Waste of Paint (Christian!)

[Noah Malachi]

There were so many things going on that Noah had to fight to keep a straight train of thought. The first was Christian, and the mess he had made of things with his mother. After she had walked in on them making out (and about to go a bit farther, probably!) Christian living in the same room as him became a zillion times more awkward than before. While he had convinced his mother not to tell his father, and his mother had convinced herself that it was a phase and Jesus would fix her darling son and make him straight again, she was obviously no longer comfortable with Christian living in their house. This forced Christian to go to the only place he was welcomed; Zeke's house. Not that Noah didn't trust him, but the idea of your boyfriend (were they, even? Nothing had ever been established but at this point it seemed as though they could go by nothing less) moving in with his ex was enough to make anyone anxious. Still, the separation had only served to make him lust and pine after Christian even more during his prolonged absences. Not having him around 24/7 made him appreciate the time he did get to spend with him that much more. It was a lesson he wished he didn't have to learn so soon, though, especially not once he had just gotten comfortable sharing a room with him!

That didn't stop Noah from inviting Christian over, though. With some pleading and empty promises he convinced his mother to allow Christian to help him paint his room. He had felt the need for a change, and since his walls had been the same white from the previous owners he decided it was time for a new paint job. After all, they had cans of paint in the basement just sitting there, going to waste! Why not use some of them? Picking out a nice shade of blue, Noah had made sure there would be enough to do all of the wall space before asking Christian if he would be interested in helping him. Any excuse to spend time together, right?

After spending the entire previous day cleaning his room and making sure he had enough brushes, tape, and sheets to cover the furniture and floor (which his mother would KILL him for getting paint on!) he found himself pacing the length of his room, waiting for the doorbell to ring. If he didn't have ridiculous amounts of self-control sometimes he would've been downstairs staring out of the window, but he didn't want to appear too anxious!

[Christian Hart]

This was a little weird.

Christian stood in front of the prim, white-trimmed door, hand poised at the bell, and entirely frozen, the only thought in his mind being how peculiar the situation was.

Christian had left, on both his own and Noah's mother's insistence. He felt like a terror, tearing Noah's small, conservative family apart. In confidence at school, Noah had told him her mother swore not to tell his father, but she'd still seen them, and knew that there was a great possibility that she would tell, and then what? All because of him? Even if Noah was as willing as he was, Christian had still instigated their romance; Noah may have never known about his desires until he was well off on his own, away from his parents and their control. Perhaps he could've kept it a secret until he was ready to tell them. Perhaps he wouldn't have even been with a man. It was all so difficult, deciphering exactly what he was, and what that made the two of them.

Afterword, he decided he would go home, or at least try to. Perhaps his mother had managed to calm his father down. It had been nearly a month since he'd left, but then again, they'd made no effort to contact him. Christian wondered if that was a good sign or a bad sign. But he didn't mind the thought of enduring criticism or cruelty from his family, because staying with Zeke was entirely awkward; from showing up at his house in time to watch Zeke and his boyfriend part ways with a kiss, to ignoring the uncomfortable stares of his parents who had warily let him stay, to the nights he spent tormented by the bumps of their living room sofa and the fact that he was surely, but steadily becoming a full-fledged homewrecker. And on top of that, he missed Noah beyond comprehension, and every time he saw the boy in classes or in the hallways, he wanted to grab him by the tie, push him down against the floor, and...

Well, he wanted Noah, in every sense of the word, and when he received the invitation to help paint Noah's room, he practically fell to his knees in prayer, that the good lord let him return despite his wicked ways. (not) But he was terribly excited. Their relationship was a strange one - were they or weren't they, did they have a future together, did Christian want in Noah's pants too much or not enough - so getting an opportunity to clear up those issues was something he was ready to jump for. But he was also terribly anxious about the possible resolutions to those issues.

Which left him staring at the facade of the house he'd once occupied with an anxious demeanor. It was strange to have to ring the doorbell, in that he used to live there and that he wasn't sure what to expect - the Malachis' awkward welcoming, perhaps breathing down their necks as they painted? Withdrawing his hand from the doorbell, he smoothed his hair down, straightened the tails of his shirt, and tugged the knot of his tie that underneath his knit vest. He'd done his best to look like a good Christian, and didn't know what else to do besides ring the doorbell at last, and take the plunge. And so he did.

[Noah Malachi]

Noah was still pacing his room when the ‘ding-dong’ of the doorbell echoed through the house. The house seemed to go on forever, reverberating off of the walls in every room and seeming to ring endlessly in his own ears signaling Christian’s arrival. He stopped dead in the middle of his room and held his breath as if unable to believe that Christian had really shown up. Of course, he hadn’t really expected him to back out of the agreement to help him paint his room, but a part of him had been weary… and he wouldn’t have been able to blame his former roommate for not wanting to show his face around this house again. After all, he hadn’t exactly been on the best of terms with Noah’s mother when he left, and things between the two of them were up in the air. Nothing serious had happened yet, though not for a lack of trying, and their relationship status was far from written in stone. He didn’t think that either of them knew what the hell was going on between the two of them, except for the fact that neither wanted to be apart from the other for any prolonged period of time. That was the foundation of whatever sort of relationship they had, and Noah had been feeling the aches and pains of being separated from the boy he had grown quite close to over the past few weeks, both physically and emotionally.

Once his mind was sure that his ears hadn’t been deceiving him, that Christian was actually standing outside of his house waiting to be let in, Noah left his room at a speed comparable to that of a sprinter… or a cheetah. He was out of the door and into the hallway and down the stairs in the blink of an eye. Too bad his mother had already been in the downstairs hallway, waiting, when the bell rang. Mrs. Malachi opened the door and faced Christian with patient eyes and a pleasant smile, as if daring him to touch her son while she was being so gracious about allowing them to continue to be friends. Damn those Catholics and their smug religious superiority.

“Hello there, Christian! It really is nice to see you again. How have you been, darling?” She did feel bad about leaving him homeless again, but there had been a mutual understanding between the two of them that after what she had walked in on, well, the two of them simply couldn’t coexist anymore. End of story.

Noah stood behind his mother, eyes pleading with her to leave the conversation at that. “Hey, Christian! Mom, we really should get to work. This is going to take all day, and if we don’t start soon I’ll have to finish it all by myself! Not to mention where I would sleep with everything piled on my bed in the middle of my room…” he added, hoping that this would be enough of an excuse to avoid any potentially awkward moments.

As he turned to look at Christian his eyes sparkled with excitement. He wasn’t sure what he thought would happen between the two of them, but the idea of being alone in his room again made his mind wander to numerous possibilities. He just hoped that what had happened before wouldn’t make Christian not want to do anything with him anymore. The idea of Christian turning him down, not wanting to see him anymore… those thoughts and questions had been plaguing him ever since Christian left. Perhaps the two of them would talk about those things while they painted so they wouldn’t just hang out in the open like they were now, unanswered and somewhat haunting.

[Christian Hart]

Christian fidgeted for a brief moment, pulling at his sleeves while his heart took up residence in his throat. He didn't have long to wait, however - straightened up as half a second passed and the door opened.

He blanched slightly when Mrs. Malachi answered the door, forcing a charming smile. After all, he'd been half-naked and on top of her son during one of their last meetings - it was incomprehensibly awkward, and he'd been afraid that she would make an appearance today. He wasn't really surprised that she did, but hoped it was one of the last that she would make.

“Hello there, Christian! It really is nice to see you again. How have you been, darling?”

Noah's mom, always kind and courteous. He did see the slight challenge in her eyes, however, but flashed a polite smile, knowing he wouldn't be winning any battles if he did otherwise. He screwed his face up in the perfect imitation of a good Catholic boy, dimples and all - what did she have to worry about? Christian briefly entertained the thought of rushing her, tackling Noah to the ground, and screwing the life out of him - his smile perked slightly at the devilish idea - but he would keep it to himself, perhaps for another day.

"Oh, I've been just fine, Mrs. Malachi. Thank you for having me today." he offered as a response instead. A lie. Things sucked. But it sounded good. He just needed to get past her and -

Noah.

His smile brightened, the flush in his cheeks rose, and he suddenly felt right as rain. The nervousness and uncertainies fled him for a moment, and Christian realized just how much he missed Noah. Missed the shy smile, his dark eyes, his voice, gentle and slightly pleading at the same time. Their sometimes dorky, albeit common interests and corny jokes. Their passionate kisses and rough, heated whispers only silenced by the fear of discovery. It would be difficult, to say the things that needed to be said, but to see that smile, those eyes, to hear that voice say those things... something inside him knew they could get past anything.

“Hey, Christian! Mom, we really should get to work. This is going to take all day, and if we don’t start soon I’ll have to finish it all by myself! Not to mention where I would sleep with everything piled on my bed in the middle of my room…”

Gently passing by Mrs.Malachi, his mind far from her constrictive reach, he faced Noah with features beaming relief and happiness. Even though he'd seen Noah at school, it wasn't the same. All those fleeting glances felt unreal, like a dream he couldn't quite escape from, where he could reach and reach and never touch - but this felt tangible. His dream was within arms' reach.

"Hey."

[Noah Malachi]

Noah could have laughed out loud at the dimpled smile Christian was giving his mother. He looked like the very picture of innocence, which was the opposite of where Noah’s thoughts were heading. After Christian left Noah had been ‘punished’ by his mother by working extra hours at the church and attending both masses on Sunday. He could easily tune out his father’s sermons both times, but it was the fact that he had other things he could be doing at home during that time that really got to him. Not cool.

”Oh, I’ve been just fine, Mrs. Malachi. Thank you for having me today.”

“Well, Noah wanted to paint his room for the longest time, and I’m swamped at the Church today so…” she bit her bottom lip, obviously uncomfortable with leaving the boys home alone for any length of time, even just the hour she’d be at the church later. “I’ll be around for a little while yet in case you boys need anything. Don’t worry about bothering me, I’d be glad to help if you need it.” She was obviously trying very hard not to seem overly desperate for excuses to be in the same room as the two boys, but she knew that the chances of them asking her to help were slim to none. No, scratch that, more like zero to negative a billion. Periodic checks would just have to suffice.

“Okay mom, really, we should get started. C’mon, Christian!” Noah said, eager to leave the presence of his overbearing mother as quickly as possible without seeming suspicious. He started towards the stairs and turned around. Instinctively he was about to reach out and grab Christian’s hand, to almost pull him up the stairs with him, but decided that would be far from the false sense of innocence he was trying to instill in his mother. Resisting the urge he simply motioned for Christian to follow him before turning around again and walking back up the stairs.

“The place is a mess-“ he started, not wanting an early onset of awkward silence. “But I tried to move some of the lighter furniture a while, like my desk…” Noah was wearing a cheap, plain white t-shirt and a pair of jeans that had to be at least five years old; they were a little tight on him in all the right places and there were various holes, tattered rips, and shredded areas, all of which were from being worn out and not like those $80 jeans you could buy pre-destroyed in American Eagle or Aeropostale.

Once upstairs Noah closed the door to his room and turned around to face Christian. They were alone in his room now, and he doubted that either of them honestly knew what to expect from that point on. They hadn’t been truly alone since the night Christian had left and there were so many unanswered questions, exposed emotions, and lustful desires… it was hard to sort through them all and figure out which ones were worth looking into and acting upon, and which were better left on the back burner. He wasn’t sure if Christian blamed himself for what had transpired or… well, Noah honestly wasn’t sure. Knowing that Christian was gay, and knowing that he had feelings for him but was too (ashamed? Confused? Uncertain? Embarrassed? Mortified? Afraid?) tentative to tell anyone made him feel more guilt than he had ever thought possible. After all, if they were becoming some sort of item, couple, or whatever, then what right did he have to force Christian to keep it a secret? That was the real question in Noah’s mind: what were they? What the hell was actually going on between the two of them? He knew one thing.

“I missed you,” he said simply, leaning back against the door and giving Christian one of the truest smiles he had ever given.

((ooc- lame, I know, but I wanted to post something because it really has been FOREVER, so I sort of rushed to get it up! ^_^ haha, get it up. ANYWAY, there you go. I promise one that is ten billion times better next time. <3 ))

[Christian Hart]

“Well, Noah wanted to paint his room for the longest time, and I’m swamped at the Church today so… I’ll be around for a little while yet in case you boys need anything. Don’t worry about bothering me, I’d be glad to help if you need it.”

Christian nearly snorted at Mrs. Malachi's words. He wondered briefly what she was so swamped with at the church - probably praying for her darling son's soul - and had to suppress the chuckle in his throat at the lack of possibility that they'd be asking her for anything any time soon.

And then Noah was motioning to him, and he did smile just then, remembering the time when it was he who was leading Noah, by his tie, up those stairs. The night everything began. The night that still made him flush when he thought of those feelings, those touches.

So much had happened since then, and it made Christian anxious that things weren't quite settled. Everything had been fine, and then it was awkward, and then it was wonderful, and now nothing was fine and it was entirely frustrating. And combined with the nerves of being alone with Noah once again only made his thoughts pinball back and forth even more as he followed Noah up the stairs to his room.

But that didn't stop him from admiring the fine curve of Noah's ass as they went. Those jeans were doing all the right things in all the right places...

“-move some of the lighter furniture a while, like my desk…”[/i]

Christian's admittedly perverted thoughts drowned out half of Noah's spiel; it was only when they entered the room did it seem to hit him - he was finally alone with Noah. He could finally say the things he'd wanted to say, touch the boy he'd wanted so bad, ask hiim the questions he needed answers to. It was finally time to -

"I missed you."

Christian felt the words on his skin, against his neck, back, and down his arms as they stimulated goosebumps he didn't even know existed. They were laced with a certain sadness that tugged at his heart, but a longing that Christian recognized immediately. He'd felt it every day, every, every day.

His first instinct was to rush the boy and kiss him breathless, but maybe he didn't want a kiss? He hadn't a clue about what Noah was feeling - whether he decided on his sexuality, or where he wanted to go with their relationship, so he was conflicted in acting out toward Noah until they were on the same page. But while it'd felt like an eternity since they parted, it hadn't really been that long, so he probably hadn't changed his mind about their relationship, right? Why did their security - the little security they had as secret lovers - have crumble so quickly, leaving a mess of confusion and certainties in it's soiled wake?

Flexing his fingers - a habit he developed after years of piano playing - Christian slowly made his way toward Noah, hands finding soft cheeks and eyes finding their reflection in horn-rimmed glasses. He paused slightly, and then leaned in to kiss Noah, the softest, lightest of kisses, a hair's breath from touching his lips, and pulled back, looking determinedly at Noah for a moment to try and mentally tell him how much he'd missed him and how scary it was to feel so deeply uprooted without him at his side.

"I missed you too." he said in a whisper, eyes sliding shut - he wouldn't cry, he wouldn't - and forehead resting softly against Noah's. No matter what the outcome of this situation - rejection, acceptance, some room painting - it was worth it. It was worth it.

[Noah Malachi]

Noah caught Christian’s smile and had the same flashback in his mind. The night that their current positions had been reversed and Christian had been the one leading Noah up his stairs. That night… just thinking about it made his stomach turn into butterflies all over again. He couldn’t imagine how his life would have ended up if he hadn’t drank that night at the dance. Or if he hadn’t offered to let Christian stay with him in the first place. After all, the two had never been best friends before that or anything. Who knows? Noah could have a girlfriend right now instead of, well, whatever it was that he had now. Why did life have to be so many shades of grey? He almost missed the times when everything was black and white, when there was a clear difference between right and wrong, what is supposed to be happening with his life. Now nothing was set in stone and he had been acting on impulse more and more frequently. And yet he just kept wondering…

Overthinking being one of Noah’s biggest flaws in life (prior to meeting Christian, that is), Noah decided his best bet for the moment was to just shut his mind off again. After all, doing and not thinking had gotten him this far, why should he question it now? Noah had been taking just to keep himself occupied while his mind went crazy trying to find the right thing to say. They hadn’t been alone in what seemed like an eternity, and it was different to come up with something to say knowing that no one was listening, that they were alone again. Talking alone was different than the stuff they said in the hallway at school, knowing that every passing person was just a set of eavesdropping ears.

The ‘I missed you’ came out, naturally and without any thought or hesitation. It just felt right, it was the thing to say after everything that had gone on between them. Things had been rough lately, what with Noah’s mother keeping constant vigilance over her only son’s actions… but more importantly, it was the truth. The truth always felt great to say, especially after it had been building up inside of you for days.

And then there was a pause. The pause. The pause during which neither boy was 100% certain as to what the proper next move was. Noah wanted to kiss Christian. He wanted to tackle him onto his bed, or onto the floor, and feel the touch of their bodies once more. After the humiliation that had been their last intimate moment, however, Noah wasn’t sure if Christian was ready to hop right back into things without talking it over. After all, who knows what Christian was feeling. He had relationships in the past, he was more experienced, and more importantly he didn’t have parents watching over his every move… maybe he didn’t want to be tied down to Noah. Maybe he didn’t want the drama that their relationship would stir up in the Malachi household. The secret was out, at least with his mother, and it was obvious that the reception had been less than enthusiastic. So there was a pause while both boys took a moment to figure out what it was that they would do next.

The fact that Christian walked slowly over to him was killing him. Drawing out every movement it seemed as if Christian was purposely trying to torture him. The gentle though, the feel of his breath on Noah’s face as he paused before giving one of the softest kisses Noah had ever experienced. While the whole thing seemed surreal Noah knew that this was real. This was happening. He had to remind himself of this fact over and over, fighting the urge to pinch himself just to make sure. And when Christian pulled back and just looked into his eyes, well, Noah felt the sparks fly again. In one look Noah hoped to convey the many thoughts running through his head, the loudest of them screaming ‘I need you again, you don’t know how hard it was to go through things with my mother without you by my side’.

”I missed you too.”

“Good,” he joked, though the relief in his voice was apparent. And that was it. That was all Noah had needed to hear to feel like his life might be alright after all. They stood there, foreheads touching softly, and Noah listened to the sound of Christian’s breathing. He could feel the rise and fall of the other boy against his skin and dared not move lest the moment be ruined. He knew that they couldn’t stand like this forever, though. And when the time came to break away once more Noah did so, but not without locking Christian’s lips in his own momentarily before stepping back.

“So… ready to paint?” He spoke nonchalantly, opening up a can of Ivy Wreath green paint and pouring some into the roller pan, but he knew that Christian could tell that the small talk was forced. Noah knew what he should have asked was ‘what now?’ or ‘where does that leave us’, but somehow he couldn’t manage to voice the words. The weight of those questions was heavy and he knew that they would come up, sooner or later, but he just couldn’t bring himself to ask it already. Not when the answer could be devastating to one of them, if not both of them.

Just talking was their best bet for the moment. There were so many things they had to get straight, so many unanswered questions and unexplained moments, and with his mother making enough noise downstairs to remind them of her presence he didn’t dare to risk any sort of physical encounter just yet. To get his mother to agree to have Christian over again had been nothing short of a miracle, but if she walked in on them doing anything again Christian would almost certainly be banned from the house. No, both boys would have to use every ounce of restraint they had in their teenage bodies until his mother was forced to leave them alone. He knew it wouldn’t be that long of a wait, but every second he wasn’t touching Christian seemed to be killing him a little more.

“Oh, who am I kidding?” he practically exploded. “Christian, I need to know what you’re feeling right now. Because I’m just one giant confused, hormonal tangle right now, and all I keep wondering is where we stand. What are we doing? Is this a relationship, or a fling, or a… what? I’ve just been so lost these past few days, not having you by my side, not having anyone to talk to, and if I have to keep wondering I think my brain is going to implode.” He looked up hopefully at Christian, eyes full of wonder and curiosity and fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of saying the wrong thing, of looking at him the wrong way, of giving off the wrong signal. He didn’t want to come across as desperate though he was a little bit. Desperation was definitely in the giant confused hormonal tangle, and while he wasn’t proud of it he couldn’t deny its existence. He looked to Christian in the hope that he might have an answer, or at least a willingness to help Noah find an answer.

((ooc- I originally left it with the 'so, ready to paint' paragraph, but I thought you might stab me in the face for leaving you with nothing really to go on. However, I'm not sure how fond I am of that last paragraph of word vomit that I punched out, so if you'd rather leave it without the serious question for now, or if you wanted Christian to bring it up, or... whatever, just let me know!

[Christian Hart]

”Good.”

Christian felt as if everything was hinged on that moment, the singular moment of calm and serenity in the midst of weeks' longing and confusion, and smiled, rejoicing in the warm feeling that spread from his heart to his toes. He lingered in Noah's voice and the relief in it and tried to absorb the rightness of the moment.

“So… ready to paint?”

Christian's slight smile disappeared quickly, leaving a disappointed look in its place. He enjoyed that last moment, felt at home again in Noah's presence, pressed close against him, and was sad to watch him slip away once again. The thought that maybe they were going to fall into casual conversations and superficial squanderings made him grimace, though he tried to turn it into a false smile for Noah. Averting his eyes, he took a moment to pull himself back emotionally before-

“Oh, who am I kidding?”

Christian looked up from his fingernails, which he took to studying instead of Noah's eyes or hand or flattering jeans, and was taken aback slightly by the sudden change in mood.

"Christian, I need to know what you’re feeling right now. Because I’m just one giant confused, hormonal tangle right now, and all I keep wondering is where we stand. What are we doing? Is this a relationship, or a fling, or a… what? I’ve just been so lost these past few days, not having you by my side, not having anyone to talk to, and if I have to keep wondering I think my brain is going to implode.”

Noah's outburst both relieved and startled Christian; he was glad to know he wasn't the only one fighting urges and feeling absolutely insane, but it worried him that Noah had been keeping it all inside. He felt guilty at that moment, realizing that he had left Noah emotionally alone when he was at his weakest, Of course, Christian had been feeling just as confused and alone, but he at least had the certainty of his sexuality on his side – knew exactly what he wanted, and was just pining after it.

So, after a clock's tick of hesitation, Christian crossed slowly, calmly, to Noah's position and relieved him of the paint, setting it carefully onto the meticulously plotted tarp before taking the boy's hands in his own. He gripped the boy's hands with the strength and solidity he was about to put into words, words that would hopefully clear up any doubts or fears toward his own feelings.

"I want us to be together. I want to touch you, and hold you, and kiss you, and one day, fuck you until neither of us can move," he began, slightly breathless with disbelief at what he'd just said, but determined to continue. "And I know it is dangerous for you, that it's your life we're talking about, which is why I've been waiting for you to make the decision for as long as we've been intimate. I'm gay, Noah. It took me a while to figure it out, but once I did, everything made sense and fit into place. I know what I want, and now you do too, so now I need to know what you want. If what you need right now is a friend, I will be your friend, to talk to when you need me. If you want something casual with no attachments, I will be there when you want me and keep my distance if things are getting too serious. If you want a relationship with me, to commit to me and only me, but remain in the closet... I will do what I can. Because it will be hard, and it will be disastrous if it goes wrong - as we've both found out - but if that's what you want, what you need, then I will commit to it because..."

Christian needed to pause a moment, trying to regain his steadily unsteady composure. The emotion bubbled in his stomach, made him shake and sweat all over, nervous and anxious and excited at the same time. He was going to lay it all out on the line, everything, and he was going to temporarily forget his reservations. Christian was going to scare Noah, or inspire him, or combination of the two and a million other emotions, but he was going to do what he needed to do.

"...because... I love you, Noah. And I'm sorry if saying that makes your brain actually implode, but this is what I'm feeling. I miss talking to you, I miss your smile, your words, your thoughts, your glasses, your scent, your body... I want to stay by your side, even if the love you want from me is just friendly love, then I will try my hardest to keep it platonic. If you want to take it slower, I will take it slower with you, no matter how crazy it might make me. And maybe, one day, if you come to a solid conclusion about who you are and what you want, then I will help you adjust, whether it be becoming your rock or setting you up with a girlfriend. I want what you want, and I want what is going to work for you right now. Because you need some certainty in your life, much more than I do, and I will do what I can to provide it.”

He took a deep, deep breath and looked Noah in the eyes, assuring his sincerity in every word as he waited for his speech to settle in his heart. What would come next, acceptance, rejection, kissing, screaming - he didn't know.

Christian recalled asking Noah, less than a few weeks ago, exactly what he wanted from him. Noah answered with understanding and patience, and Christian was happy to oblige. However, it seemed that Noah wasn't entirely depending on his patience, but rather, his own patience. He was mixed up, confused, and desperate - it was plain as day - but there wasn't much Christian could do but be honest and see if it helped clarify things for Noah. Ultimately, he had to listen to his own heart, search through the terror and tension on his own, and discover just exactly what his inner voice was saying.

[Noah Malachi]

Noah wasn’t stupid. He caught the flicker of disappointment that seemed to spasm across Christian’s features as he suggested they get to painting. It wasn’t what had caused him to say his next comment, of course, but just knowing that Christian was as eager to get to the heart of things, to talk about something that mattered, or to at least reference what they were going through instead of pretending that none of it had ever happened, well, that was enough for him. It was enough to let him know that he had to say something, because if he didn’t then it would go unsaid. Like it or not, for some reason Noah was in control of the conversation, and he decided that the obvious needed to be stated.

Knowing that the outburst was unexpected for the both of them, Noah just stood there dumbly, hoping that he hadn’t seemed too pushy or rude or demanding. He was just so lost, so confused, and things had ended so poorly that he didn’t know what to expect from their relationship any more. Had the thrill of it been in the hiding? The sneaking? The knowledge that every time they touched it was a secret from the world? And would his mother’s intrusion on their little world enough to ruin the magic? These were the troubling questions that had been haunting him for days now. And they were out there in the open, and all he could do was stand there, waiting on Christian.

Soon Christian had crossed the room and removed the pain from Noah’s hands, replacing it with his own hands. God, they were soft. Softer than he had remembered. But just by that grip, without hearing a word or looking into the other boy’s eyes, Noah knew that everything was going to be alright. There was something in the way he took his hands that was instantly calming. His head cleared, his panic subsided, and any fears he had ebbed away until there was just the two of them, standing in the middle of his room on the tarp covered floor, holding hands. Noah took a moment to just take in everything before looking up at him again.

"I want us to be together. I want to touch you, and hold you, and kiss you, and one day, fuck you until neither of us can move. And I know it is dangerous for you, that it's your life we're talking about, which is why I've been waiting for you to make the decision for as long as we've been intimate. I'm gay, Noah. It took me a while to figure it out, but once I did, everything made sense and fit into place. I know what I want, and now you do too, so now I need to know what you want. If what you need right now is a friend, I will be your friend, to talk to when you need me. If you want something casual with no attachments, I will be there when you want me and keep my distance if things are getting too serious. If you want a relationship with me, to commit to me and only me, but remain in the closet... I will do what I can. Because it will be hard, and it will be disastrous if it goes wrong - as we've both found out - but if that's what you want, what you need, then I will commit to it because..."

The amount of acceptance and patience that Christian was speaking of made tears well up in Noah’s eyes. He tried to blink them away, but the emotion that built up inside of him was far too great for him to just ignore. He couldn’t blink away the impact that Christian’s words were having on him. The idea that he had such strong feelings towards him, but would be willing to put them aside to just be his friend, just talk and be there but not be intimate… to just be friends, after everything they had been through… Noah couldn’t think of a bigger sacrifice for Christian, and yet here he was, saying that if it was what he wanted, then he’d do it… no one had ever been that selfless towards him before, and it made Noah realize just how much he meant to Christian. Of course he knew before, but there was something about that very moment where the weight of everything just hit him at once, and it was almost unbearable.

For a moment Noah was sure that Christian wouldn’t be able to finish, that he was going to stop speaking there and turn and leave, unable to speak those next words. Had he overcommitted himself? Was he regretting something he had said now? Noah hadn’t realized it before, but he was holding his breath. His lips were beginning to shake, his eyes were wide, and he was the very picture of nervous. In the next minute everything could go perfectly or everything could fall apart, and he was terrified and excited and eager and hesitant all at once, and with all of those emotions pulling at him from every possible angle he thought he may not make it through. Luckily for him, Christian continued, and he wasn’t left wondering what would come next for long.

"...because... I love you, Noah. And I'm sorry if saying that makes your brain actually implode, but this is what I'm feeling. I miss talking to you, I miss your smile, your words, your thoughts, your glasses, your scent, your body... I want to stay by your side, even if the love you want from me is just friendly love, then I will try my hardest to keep it platonic. If you want to take it slower, I will take it slower with you, no matter how crazy it might make me. And maybe, one day, if you come to a solid conclusion about who you are and what you want, then I will help you adjust, whether it be becoming your rock or setting you up with a girlfriend. I want what you want, and I want what is going to work for you right now. Because you need some certainty in your life, much more than I do, and I will do what I can to provide it.”

I love you. I love you. I love you, Noah. Noah barely heard the next two sentences because those three little words kept repeating themselves in his head and he was completely unable to focus on anything else. He would’ve have been surprised if his brain really did implode. It certainly felt as though it was a possibility. But Christian was still talking, and it took a small miracle for Noah to focus himself on the words that were leaving his mouth in a rush. The longer Christian went on the more frozen Noah became, listening to each and every syllable as though God himself was delivering a creed unto him. When he was finished there was a silence that Noah doubted could ever be filled properly again. And he was frozen, standing there, lips slightly parted, hands hanging at his sides, staring into Christian’s eyes as the final notes of his voice fell from the air, fading into the walls and the carpet and the ceiling and the furniture.

And in that moment Noah knew that everything was going to be alright. And he wanted to scream and dance and sing and cry and yell and whisper and never move again, all in one moment, and he was paralyzed with fear that whatever he said or did next wouldn’t be enough to convey his vast array of emotions. He wanted to scream that he loved Christian too, that he wanted them to be together, and he didn’t care to knew it, even if it meant the end of everything he had ever known with his family and friends and church and school everything. Even if it meant he had to drop out and run away and make a living as a bag boy somewhere, just as long as he could be with Christian, to touch him, to hold him, to feel the love and support that radiated stronger than any he had ever felt from anyone before in his entire life. He wanted to say all of that, but when he opened his mouth there were no words. Nothing came out, he just breathed, in and out, in and out, eyes blinking once, twice, three times.

And in a movement that was fluid and unthinking and unbridled he closed the small gap between the two of them. His lips pressed against Christian’s a bit more forcefully than he had originally intended, but there was no helping it. Everything he was thinking was conveyed in that moment. His need for physical contact through the touch of their lips, his passion through the force of the kiss, his gratefulness through the gentle placing of his hand on Christian’s arm.

“I love you, too,” he said in the half second he could bear to pull himself away from Christian. And in that moment he knew that it was true. It was there all along, staring him in the face, just waiting for him to realize it. And suddenly it was clear to him, and he didn’t know how he didn’t see it before. “All I need from you is you. For you and me to be together. That’s all I want. And I don’t care who knows it.”

Christian had been willing to give up everything for Noah, to hide their relationship, to even go so far as to not have a relationship, all so that Noah was comfortable. But realizing that what he wanted most was to be with Christian, to have him around, to be able to talk and laugh and kiss and hug and be together, it only made sense that he be willing to compromise too. If Christian had been ready to sacrifice so much to make Noah happy, then it should work both ways. Noah had to come out. He couldn’t stand the thought of watching Christian’s tortured expression as they passed in hallways, unable to even smile at each other for fear of being caught. That wasn’t how he wanted them to go on. Christian was out. There was nothing more he could do on his end. It was all on Noah now, and he knew he had to step up in order for this to work. It wasn’t going to be easy, but he knew it had to be done.

((ooc- I'm stopping there because it's rambling now. It's also 3 am. So I'm sorry if this is terrible. I can't keep my eyes open to re-read it just now, but it's here. It exists. And I had to write it now because I just couldn't wait. I missed them SO MUCH. <3 Let me know if it's unintelligible and I'll fix it or something. I know I didn't give you a lot to work with. :-p )