Look What You've Done. ((JOSH))

[Desmond Giuseppe]

The rest of Desmond's day after his incident with Gabe was a complete blur. He wanted to just run home right then and there, but that meant facing Josh much earlier than he had to. Most of his friends noticed something was wrong because all he did for the rest of the day was stare at his desk with a slightly shocked expression on his face looking like he was about to cry. He felt like total shit. How could he have been so fucking stupid?! What was he thinking? He couldn't believe what he had done. . . he just couldn't believe it! It was all Gabe's fault! If he hadn't persisted none of this ever would have happened! But Desmond know that wasn't entirely true; he could have easily told Gabe to stop. Gabe was only horny, there was no way he'd turn into a rapist. Desmond so filled with guilt he wanted to throw up. In fact, he did throw up moments after the last bell.

Of all the days not to have Lacrosse practice it had to be this one! Now he had no excuse to stay after. He could hang out with Audrey or any of his other friends because they'd bug him until he told them what was wrong and he didn't plan on telling anyone ever. As much as he dreaded it he just wanted to go home. He really needed his Harry Potter doll right now.

This was the first time since he brought Josh home the night they met that he actually felt the need to sneak into his own house. Remember that night made his stomach churn and the queasy feeling come back. Luckily he made it up to his room with out running into Josh, probably the first time since they'd been together that Desmond didn't go right to see Josh after school when then had an hour alone together before his mother got home.

When he was in his room he quietly shut the door behind him and stood with his back against it for a moment. There was no way he'd ever be able to explain this to Josh and he didn't think he'd ever been able face Josh ever again. He spotted Harry laying on the floor, face up looking at Desmond as if the doll knew what he had done. Desmond went over and picked the dolled up before laying on his bed, curling up into a ball, and staring off into space.

[doherty]

Josh didn't do much during the day. All he really could do is lay in bed and hope to God Desmond's parents didn't come into his room to talk to him or console him or try to make him feel better about his AIDS or remind him to take his pills. So many fucking pills. All he did, really, was wait for Desmond to come home. He loved that boy. That boy made him feel so alive... which was strange, because he had been dying for years now. Not anymore, though. At least that was the feeling he was getting. Just a feeling.

Because Josh had been waiting so long for Desmond, the smallest sound in the house made him sit up in his bed and strain to hear some more. He recognized those footsteps, soft though they were. Why were they so soft? Was Desmond... sneaking? Josh smiled gently to himself. Desmond was so sweet - he was probably trying to be quiet so he didn't wake Josh or something like that. He was so selfless, that kid.

When Desmond passed Josh's room and went into his home, Josh slipped out of bed and pulled a pair of sweatpants over his boxers, then grabbed a white t-shirt and slipped it over his bare chest. He opened his door and walked down the carpeted hallway, running his fingers through his unruly hair. That didn't really help it look any better, to be honest. Josh opened the door to Desmond's room and peeked inside, spotted Desmond on his bed with his Harry Potter doll.

At the sight of his boyfriend, Josh furrowed his brow. Why did Desmond look so... uncomfortable? Was something wrong? "Desmond..?" Josh questioned quietly, stepping fully into the room. "Hey..." he continued gently. Desmond seemed to be in some kind of fragile state. But... for what?

[Desmond Giuseppe]

No no no no, thought Desmond as he heard his door open, please no.

"Desmond..?"

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Why couldn't Josh be asleep or something? Desmond couldn't even bring himself to roll over to face his boyfriend, well, who knows how long Desmond was going to have a boyfriend after this. As much as he had told himself he was never going to tell Desmond he couldn't stand the guilt. He couldn't just lay there and pretend nothing happened or that something else was bothering him! But, what if Josh reacted badly? Well, of course he would reacted badly, but what if he was so hurt by it he stopped taking his medicine or something? It was bad enough that Desmond had done the worse thing ever, now he had to tell Josh and see all the pain it was going to cause him.

Desmond took a deep breath and blinked tears out of his eyes. "Hey. . " he said, his voice cracking, "I-I-um, . . . . something happened. . . I-I didn't mean for it to happen. . . i-it just happen . . . I was so stupid!" The tears were practically streaming out of his eyes now, "I could have stopped it but I didn't! I'm so stupid!" Desmond began to sob and curl into a tight ball. Josh was going to hate him, and Desmond couldn't really blame him. He hated himself right now enough as it is, he couldn't even imagine how Josh was going to react.

[doherty]

Josh shook his head. It took a moment for Josh to realize what Desmond was talking about. But he didn't want to believe it. Josh sat down on the bed abruptly, still shaking his head, still in some sort of denial. He put his hand gently on Desmond's hunched and trembling back, and that small touch seemed to have triggered a reactrion in him. His hand retreated quickly and he turned away from Desmond, put his hands over his face and shuddered as he felt tears coming to him.

Desmond hadn't said exactly what he had done, but there was only one logical explination for Desmond's sadness and guilt and everything that was happening. Desmond had cheated on him. It was the only thing Josh could think of. And now it was absolutely killing him, even more than fucking AIDS ever had. Fucking ripping him apart inside. And there was only one person he could blame for the crime. Only one person he could think of.

Himself. It was all his fault. His fault for having AIDS, his fault for falling in love. His fault for having some idiotic vision of a fairy-tale relationship. How could anyone honestly stay faithful to a corpse? And a disease-ridden one, at that. He was disgusting and he should have never... gotten involved...

After a moment of reflection, Josh stoof up from the bed and looked at the pathetic figure of his boyfriend. His BOYFRIEND. His BOYFRIEND who had CHEATED on him. Jesus fucking Christ, after everything the two had shared... who the FUCK did he think he was? And now he was trying to play the victim. JOSH was the fucking victim, not Desmond!

"God-" Josh was going to say something, something that probably would have made him sound like an asshole. But he stopped himself. Well, he stopped himself and the large lump in his throat stopped him. He was trying so hard to not cry, but... this was so... unfair...

[Desmond Giuseppe]

Desmond nervously waited for a reaction from Josh. Suddenly he felt Josh's weight on his bed and hand on his back and he thought maybe Josh was going to forgive him, not that Desmond deserved it. Then, suddenly, Josh's hand pulled away as if touching Desmond gave him a shock. This was not good. . . not good at all. There was silence, awkward, painful silence where all he could hear was his own breathing and Josh's subtle movements. Josh's weight lifted from Desmond's bed and he expected to hear Josh's footsteps move toward the door then the door slamming, but nothing happened except Josh starting to say something then stopping himself.

This was far too much for Desmond to handle. He could feel tension building in the room and he couldn't take it any more. He rolled over, sat up and faced Josh. Josh didn't look like he was taking this well at all, but it was only was Desmond expected. Even though he expected it it was still horribly painful to watch, to know he was the one who had cause it.

"Josh. . ." he gently, his eyes swelling up with tears again, "I'm so sorry. . ."

[doherty]

Apologies. He was hearing fucking apologies now. So sorry... all this guilt. Desmond was feeling fucking guilt. Why had he done that shit in the first place, then? There's no way in the world that Desmond could have cheated and not thought about it. No way at all. And now he was APOLOGIZING? He shouldn't have done anything in the first place. Bastard... shouldn't have put himself in that situation. What was it? Wasn't Josh good enough? Now that Desmond knew that his boyfriend had AIDS, did that mean that he wanted - needed - to find someone else? Was that IT? Josh should have never told his secret. He should have never gotten involved. After so many years of sheltering his heart from feeling, from sharing things with another human, he had finally let his guard down and look at what fucking happened. He gave up so much and got crushed in the process. He regretted so much sitting in the park that day, playing that particular song, playing that song for the sadly pretty boy in front of him, getting caught by the blush and the kindness and the innocence and the beauty of it all. Josh was an idiot.

He turned away from the boy he loved. He couldn't look him in the face, couldn't deal with what was happening. He was DYING, for Christ's sake... he was dying and Desmond was killing him. "God, Desmond, how could you do - " Josh stopped abruptly and shook his head, hoping that maybe that movement would stop him from crying. It didn't. "After all that's happened you... you go out and..." It was hard, admitting what Desmond had done. It's as if Josh figured that if he didn't say it out loud, it didn't happen. But he knew... he knew what had happened. Desmond had gone out and gotten something Josh couldn't give him... was too afraid to give him. "I can't fucking believe you," Josh was finally able to finish, his tone dark and low and angry and full of hurt.

[Desmond Giuseppe]

This was horrible, it was worse than being scolded by his parents. Desmond still couldn't believe what he had done, what he'd done to Josh, the man he loved. First the poor guy got AIDS and now Desmond had to go and fuck up his life even more. He felt worthless, he felt like he didn't even deserve Josh, but he still wanted to be with him. Even though he'd fucked up maybe beyond the point of forgiveness he still loved Josh and it was killing him to see Josh so upset especially when Desmond had cause it. What else could he say? He'd already apologized and he doubted Josh cared, who could blame him. Desmond knew there was no way he'd be able to fix this. It wasn't like he could go out, buy Josh so flowers, and this would all go away. No fucking way. The damage had been done and Desmond was stuck feeling like a worthless piece of shit.

Desmond had to look away from Josh for a moment, it was just so hard to look at him right now. "Josh," he said standing up and slowly making his way over to him and looked him in the eyes, "I-I'm sorry. I know that might not mean shit to you right now, or maybe you don't even believe me, but I am." said Desmond tearfully, taking a moment to wipe some tears away from his eyes, "I know I fucked up, but-but I love you so much." He put a hand of Josh's arm.

[doherty]

Josh couldn't help it. He pulled away from Desmond the moment the younger boy's hand touched his arm. He couldn't... couldn't handle being touched right then. It was even painful to see Desmond's eyes looking at him. Looking at him and seeing something undesirable and impossible to be with. "Don't-" he said softly, turning his eyes away. "I don't believe you. I can't believe you." There they were agian, the tears that made him look... So. Fucking. Pathetic. "I can't believe that you're sorry and you love me because I'm fucking blaming myself for this." Josh gritted his teeth. Why did he have to break down, why could he have stayed solid and firm and strong? "I... I understand why you did it. Because I'm dying and you're sad about it and you needed comfort. The physical kind of comfort that I'm too... FUCKING AFRAID... to give you." Josh took a step back, away from Desmond. Thus came the hard part.

"If you don't want to be with me..." Josh started, hardly believing that those words were coming out of his mouth. "Then fine. Then I'll leave. Just don't give me this bullshit. I don't want to have to live here and have you lie to me every day, saying that you love me when all you fucking do is pity me." There was a moment of silence in which Josh took a long, trembling breath. It was hard, trying to hold everything in and not explode in the process. "I don't want to have to stay here and have you lure me into a false sense of security before I DIE." There. There it was. He had said it. He admitted that he was going to die and Desmond was going to be alone soon anyway. There was the struck nerve, the loose thread, there was the reason Josh could hardly sleep at night and when he did sleep all he saw were coffins and black clothes. "I'm going to be gone soon anyway," Josh choked out, now overcome with emotion and crying without inhibition. "So what the fuck does it matter?"

[Desmond Giuseppe]

I... I understand why you did it. Because I'm dying and you're sad about it and you needed comfort. The physical kind of comfort that I'm too... FUCKING AFRAID... to give you."

That much was right Desmond thought shamefully in his head, but as far as Josh blaming himself, that was total bullshit. It had been Desmond's fault! He was the one who showed a moment of weakness and fucked up! Josh always had to blame everything on himself. This wasn't Josh's fault! How the fuck could he blame himself?! Desmond didn't have time to say anything to this because by the time he'd gotten over the shock of it Josh was speaking again.

((insert Josh's second paragraph here))

"STOP IT!" exclaimed Desmond, for once actually getting angry during this whole ordeal. His mood quickly changed from anger to sadness and desperation. He just couldn't stand how Josh was beating himself up about this! Of course he wanted to be with Josh! Other wise he would have run off with Gabe! Otherwise he wouldn't be there begging Josh for forgiveness! It was just too unbearable to watch and Desmond HATED having to hear Josh bring up death. It was one of those things that Desmond liked to blissfully forget about, that and Josh's AIDS. Desmond completely hated himself right now.

"This isn't your fault," Desmond's face was soaked with tears by now and it was probably close to impossible to understand him through his sobs. "it's mine! So stop fucking blaming yourself! I don't love you because I pity you! I fucking love you because I fucking love you!" Desmond stopped and rubbed at his eyes in frustration, "How can you possibly blame yourself for my fuck up?"

[doherty]

"BECAUSE ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THAT I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH!" Josh yelled, letting go completely. He took another step backwards so he had the comfort of the wall behind him. He closed his eyes and reached back, finding some kind of comfort in the cold wall. After a moment, Josh opened his eyes again. He didn't want to look at Desmond... all he could think of doing when he did was cry. He didn't want to cry anymore. He had done so too much after meeting Desmond, when the fuck was it going to stop? "If I was good enough, you would have never gone to whoever the fuck it was you had sex with." The logic seemed to make sense in Josh's head. "If I didn't have AIDS, if I had never told you about it, if I had just... left your house after one night, none of this would have happened. You wouldn't be beating yourself up about this... I wouldn't be suffering through it as well." Josh threw up his hands in some kind of defeat and looked at Desmond full in the face. He was so struck by it, the sadness and desperation in it.


"Desmond, I - " Josh's voice caught in his throat. What was he going to say? 'I'm sorry,' 'I forgive you,' 'Hold me,' 'I'm leaving.' Which was it? Josh didn't have any idea, and Josh didn't really care, because at the moment he felt so weak. Mentally and physically weak. There was a moment in which Josh just stared at the floor, trying to achieve balance again, trying to quell the nausea that was rising in his stomach. And then seconds later, he looked up at Desmond with a mixture of sadness, anger, and defeat...


...Then he fell into a heap on the floor.

[Desmond Giuseppe]

All while Josh was yelling at him Desmond slowly backed away back to his bed before finally sinking down on to it and weeping into his hands. He couldn't handle being yelled at, especially by Josh and especially in this situation. All he did was cry into his hands until he heard a loud THUMP. He looked up to find Josh lying in a heap on the floor not moving and not showing any signs of life at all. Desmond froze. What had he done?!

"Josh?" he said quietly. " . . . Josh?" a bit louder, "JOSH!" Josh didn't move. Desmond practically fell of his bed and crawled over to Josh. Holy Jesus fuck! He'd killed his fucking boyfriend. Desmond grabbed one of Josh's wrist, picked it up, and let his arm dropped to the floor. In a panic Desmond began to sob hysterically. What has he done?! He was about to call an ambulance when he noticed that Josh was breathing. Relief swept over him, but he still had this overwhelming feeling of guilt. He'd only seen Josh faint and he freak out. . . what was he going to do when Josh died? It this made Josh faint he had to be very weak from his disease. . . so how much longer was Josh going to live? If it wasn't long, Desmond wanted Josh to at least be happy. . . All Desmond was doing was cause Josh more pain. . . He didn't deserve Josh. He didn't deserve Josh's forgiveness. . . He didn't deserve to live, nor did he want to anymore. It was too much to have to live with all the pain he was causing Josh on his shoulders.

As if he was in a daze he went down stairs to his father's liquor cabinet and grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels then ran back up stairs into the bathroom. He looked at his stupid ugly cheating face in the mirror for a moment before opening it up to the medicine cabinet. Aspirin or sleeping pills? Ah, fuck it, what not both? Why the fuck not? The more pills the better. First he grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills, ripped the cap of the swallowed the whole bottle, washed it down with some Jack, then threw the empty bottle in the sink. Next he did the same with the aspirin. He took a step back and finished off the bottle of Jack. Suddenly, he began to feel very woozy. . . He felt against the wall then slowly began to slide down it until he was sitting. The whole room felt like it was spinning and everything was blurred. He felt to his side and passed out, the empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his out stretch hand.

[doherty]

Josh was awake in a few moments. His heart was beating at an irregular pace and his head was pounding... but otherwise, he was okay. Except for the shame he was feeling. It was ridiculous, that he just fell over because he was so... weak. Josh sat up on the floor and touched his head gently with his hand. Well, at least he wasn't dead. That gave him some kind of comfort. Josh looked across the room, towards the bed where he had last seen Desmond, but... but he wasn't there. Where the fuck had he gone? After everything that had just happened, after Josh fucking fainted, Desmond decided to leave? That was wonderful, fucking priceless.

"Desmond?" Josh called out, unable to keep the anger out of his voice. "Desmond!" Josh struggled to his feet and swayed a moment before regaining his balance and relearning how to walk. He stumbled out of Desmond's room and started down the hallway. He passed Desmond's parents room, his room, the bathroom - Fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God... "Jesus Christ, Desmond?!" Josh stood in the doorway of the bathroom and grabbed the doorframe so he didn't fall over again. He stared, wide-eyes, at his boyfriend's body on the floor. It took his mind a moment to register everything. The empty pill bottles, the empty bottle of Jack... "No, please, no..." Josh moaned, lowering himself to his knees slowly. He touched Desmond's face gently and his fingers traveled down to his throat, where Josh prayed he'd feel a pulse. It was there... but it was weak. So weak. Weak like Josh. This was his fault.

Josh got up and backed away, unable to tear his eyes away from Desmond. When he managed to do so, he quickly went down to the kitchen, grabbed the phone, dialed 911. "M-My boyfriend... he just downed a bottle of aspirin and sleeping pills and Jack Daniels and he's laying on the floor. Yes, he's breathing, but... Yes. <Insert street address here.>" Josh returned the phone to its cradle and stood still, unable to believe that this was happening. What the fuck had he done?

In a few moment's time, Josh could hear the distance blaring of an ambulance. It stopped in front of the house and Josh went to the door. The paramedics rushed in and Josh felt extremely uncomfortable. He always felt uncomfortable around hospital workers, because of his disease. But this time... this time it wasn't for him. The paramedics went upstairs, into the bathroom, and within seconds returned downstairs with Desmond's body on a stretcher. There were no more tears left in Josh, so he just stared mutely as they took him away. Eventually he regained control over his legs and followed, forcing the paramedics to let him in the back of the ambulance. He took his boyfriend's hand in his and mentally... forgave Desmond for all he had done. It didn't matter. Not anymore.