Ob-la-di Ob-la-da Life Goes on

[Desmond Giuseppe]

Desmond had just came home from the hospital earlier that day. He'd spent five days in the hospital recovering from his suicide attempt and being on a suicide watch, he still wasn't allowed to be alone for more than ten minutes. When he was first brought to the hospital he had to have his stomach pumped to get all the drugs and alcohol out of his system. The worst part about it was the way his parents had reacted, and he had to lie to them about why he did it. He'd told them he'd just been really depressed over the past few months and couldn't take it anymore. So now he was on Prozac, which he really didn't feel like he needed.

His parents still didn't know about him and Josh. . . not that they were even a couple anymore. Josh hadn't come to visit him at all while he was in the hospital, not that he expect him too, but still, it would have been nice. Even if Josh had come to visit Desmond wouldn't have know what to say or even be able to face him. Now Josh was his mother's hero because she believe that he would have died if Josh wasn't there to call an ambulance.

Plenty of other people had come to visit him. Audrey came, blamed Josh immediately, but didn't say anything else about it from there. She was one of the first people to see him and he felt like shit because the first thing she did was practically smother him with hugs, something she never did, then was very tearful for the rest of the visit, but managed to pull herself together. His cousin Ravi, on the other hand, was a different story. He cried hysterically the whole time he was there and could barely get a word out. Desmond knew that Ravi was having a lot of personal problems though with two boys at his school.

So now Desmond was at home, but still sick from his 'accident' as his mother liked to call it. There was a trash can next to his bed because he was usual sick once or twice a day because he'd made himself ill. He wasn't allowed to be left alone for very long at all in case he tired to kill himself again. Desmond really had no urge to try it again though after seeing how just an attempt affected all the people he loved. His mother came in for the fourth time that hour to check on him.

"Hey, honey." she said gently, sitting next to him on the edge of his bed, "I have to run to the grocery store, but I asked Josh to keep an eye on you, ok?" She leaned forward and gave him a kiss on the forehead, "I'll be back in an hour sweety." The she got up and left leaving Josh and Desmond alone in the house for the first time since their fight.

[doherty]

When Desmond's mother asked Josh to look after Desmond when she went out, he was so tempted to say, "No." Because he didn't know if he could go see Desmond. Well, Josh had eben in to the hospital, but only went to sit with Desmond when he was sleeping. He had gotten some kind of simple joy out of just looking at his face... He was avoiding talking to Desmond, mostly because he knew it was his fault the younger boy had tried to kill himself. Josh was having enough trouble living with himself after everything that had happened. He didn't think that seeing Desmond would make it any easier.

But he had agreed to looking after Desmond anyway. Because if it hadn't been for Desmond's mother, Josh would have most likely been dead. Or close to dead. She payed for his pills and his doctor visits and she was really the nicest woman in the entire world. Josh could never deny her anything. So now he and Desmond were alone. Josh was downstairs sitting in the living room and having a heated debate in his mind. He didn't know whether to go upstairs and start a converstaion with Desmond... or just stay downstairs and only go up if Desmond needed something. This was even more difficult than Josh had predicted.

Josh sighed deeply and lifted himself off of the couch. He glanced briefly at the stairs, actually afraid of what would happen if he scaled them. If there was ever a good time to talk to Desmond, it was now... when no one else was in the house and they could speak freely. So Josh had to suck it up and get it over with. Otherwise he'd live in discomfort forever. With that in mind - and that was the only thing motivating him - Josh walked upstairs and approached Desmond's room. The closer he got to the door, the faster his heartbeat was, the more nervous he got, the more he wanetd to run back to the living room and pretend he had never gotten up. But within seconds he was standing in front of it and he raised his hand to knock gently.

And then he walked in. His breath caught in his throat when he saw Desmond laying on his bed. Josh knew immediately that he still loved Desmond, more than anything else... Everything was forgiven. Everything. Josh didn't care anymore that Desmond had cheated on him. All that Josh cared about was that Desmond was here, alive, healthy... and he wanted him to be happy again. Josh would do absolutely anything to get Desmond to smile so quickly as he had before. He didn't know what he'd have to do... but he needed to find out.

Josh stood silently in the doorway, simply staring at Desmond. He felt like his heart was so big it would burst out of his chest. Luckily, it didn't... because Desmond probably wouldn't have taken well to that at all. Josh couldn't speak or move, even. Not until Desmond said something. The younger boy would either tell him to go away or ask him to stay. Josh wanted to stay, wanted to stay very badly... but he would never force anything on Desmond. Especially not after...

[Desmond Giuseppe]

Desmond heard his door creak open and turned to find Josh standing in the doorway. Awkward! When he first met Josh he never imagined having to be in a situation like this. It was strange that some how they had switch roles; now Desmond was the weak one in bed and Josh was taking care of him. Desmond knew he had been stupid. When he'd done 'it' he wasn't thinking. It was just a stupid spur of the moment thing that he luckily survived. In a way it was almost a good thing that he'd done it and survived because now there was no way in Hell he'd ever try to do it again.

So there was Josh. Desmond didn't know what the fuck to say to him! 'Hey, how about how I tried to kill myself because I cheated on you.'? No, he didn't want to talk about that. He also just couldn't pretend that it didn't happen. That was just as bad as being overly casual about it. He also didn't want Josh to be overly nice because of it. It was weird enough when Audrey was actually being nice to him the other day. That was another thing; he dreaded the next time Audrey and Josh met up. It just wasn't going to be pretty.

"Hey." he said. Desmond suddenly realized that he had to look like crap. Sure, he still bathed regularly, but he couldn't take his time because he wasn't aloud to be alone for long. His hair was all messy and matted down in random places and he was pale from being sick and not going out side in almost a week. He pulled his covers up to his chin in an attempt to hide a little bit. "You-you can come it. . . I don't mind. . . "

[doherty]

What a change this was. From only seeing Desmond when he was unconscious to actually having to be with him while he was awake. It was frightening. Josh didn't know what to do. He was never at a loss like this, never. But in this situation he supposed it was appropriate. At Desmond's invitation, Josh took a few steps into the room. He looked around and smiled briefly. For some reason, all he could think of was the first night Josh had been in Desmond's house... when they had been watching Project Runway of all things... and they had kissed for the first time and found out that their relationship was going to be much more than just that night. And it was... much, much more.

Josh paused for a moment, then managed to say, "How are you feeling?" What a ridiculous question to ask. The kid had just tried to kill himself, and Josh asked how he was feeling. How fuckin' smooth of him. "I-I mean..." Josh shook his head and smiled somewhat bitterly, lowered his head. "Well, you know." A few more steps. He was close enough to see just how sadly pale Desmond looked. It hurt him, badly, seeing that.

"I was worried about you," Josh blurted out. He hadn't been thinking, and... well, it was what he was saying in his head. It had just decided to come out. Josh was at Desmond's bed now, and he slowly lowered himself to sit beside his... his boyfriend. "I came to see you... in the hospital... but you were always sleeping." That was mostly a lie. He had done the whole, 'Oh, he's sleeping so we can't talk,' thing on purpose. Because he was a coward. But now they were conscious together... and they HAD to talk. Or at least that's what Josh figured.

[Sorry, it's mostly bad.]

[Desmond Giuseppe]

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." said Desmond with a small smile even though he was sick of people asking him that. "A lot better than people think I am." It was true, everyone assumed that Desmond was still very mentally or physically unwell. He actually felt fine, sure he was a little weak, but that was because he was barely allowed out of bed and as far as being emotionally well, he wasn't perfect but he felt a lot better than he had the other day. "I just can't wait until I'm able to get out of this fucking bed." That would mean that he had to go back to school and even though he didn't like missing school all of St. James Academy had to know what he'd done. He was a little worried about how people were going to treat him once he was back.

"I was worried about you,"

"I know." Desmond mumbled shamefully. Josh was being very civil compared to the other day. It seemed he had forgiven Desmond about cheating on him. He only forgave me because I tried to kill myself, Desmond thought bitterly. It had to be true, other wise Josh would probably still be mad at him. It's funny how attempted suicide changes things.

"I came to see you... in the hospital... but you were always sleeping."

"Oh." said Desmond shortly. He didn't know how to respond to that. It was like Josh automatically felt the need to defend his actions. It also wasn't like Desmond was asleep ALL the time. Josh had been avoiding him. "Well, I guess Audrey was there most of the time I was awake. . . I know you wouldn't have wanted to have to deal with that." Now Desmond felt the need to defend Josh's actions to himself! He didn't know if Josh still loved him or if now he thought Desmond was too much trouble to be with. He still loved Josh, but it still hurt him.

[doherty]

"Yeah..." Josh returned pathetically. He let his eyes wander away from Desmond's face and around the room. They fell on his Harry Potter doll and he smiled gently. The thing always made him smile for some odd reason. Fuckin' thing. He looked back at Desmond and opened his mouth to speak, but then thought better of it and closed it again. What the hell was he supposed to say in this situation? 'Hey, it kinda sucks that you left me passed out on the floor and then went to the bathroom and tried to kill yourself and made me find your lifeless body sprawled on the tile floor. Thanks.' It was mostly what he was thinking, but he'd never say it aloud. Never. Because... he was nicer than that. At least when it came to Desmond. So what was he supposed to say?

"I'm sorry." There. Apparently that's what he was supposed to say. "I know that... I know that you probably don't want to hear that. I don't even think it means that much to you at this point, but... I am." Josh was desperate for some contact, so he found Desmond's hand on the bed next to him and grabbed it gently. There was a layer of blankets between their hands, but it was okay. "I'm trying to be understanding, you know, about you cheating on me. And if I apply some logic... as hard as it was to do... I get why you did it. I mean, I told you that I had AIDS, for God's sake. It must have been... pretty hard to hear. And you went to someone else, got what you needed. I understand." Josh shook his head. "Doesn't mean I'm not jealous, or that I'm not pissed, but... you know. It's okay." Josh sniffed, not even realizing that he had started to get emotional. Fuck. He had done that so much lately, gotten emotional. "And I'm sorry that somehow you got so desperate that you had to... to..." He trailed off. Yeah, he'd never be able to say that aloud. Kind of like Desmond had trouble saying that Josh had AIDS aloud. Now they were even.

There was a moment of silence before Josh squeezed Desmond's hand. "I love you," he said. He didn't say, 'I still love you,' or, 'I love you despite everything.' He just said... 'I love you.' No strings attached, really. Just love.

[Desmond Giuseppe]

For some odd reason Desmond flinched slightly when Josh touched his hand. It had just been a while since there was any physical contact between the two, Desmond hadn't expected it. Nor had he expected for Josh to be so immediately understanding. Once again Desmond thought that it was only because he had tried to kill himself. It he'd just woken Josh up that they would they still be fighting? Or would Josh have found some way to forgive him? Desmond was sick of beating himself up about it. He'd screwed up. He still felt guilty about, yes, but not the crippling guilt he'd felt before. Josh forgave him and that was all that mattered.

But Josh was still blaming himself and now Desmond couldn't help but consider the possibility. None of this would have happened if he'd never met Josh. Desmond would still be the happy, care free, strong, slightly lonely teenager he'd always been. Then he met Josh and it was like his whole life went to shit. Desmond could not remember being so depressed and unhappy in his entire life. Even his friends noticed and he'd started to grow apart from them, even Audrey. And he'd tired to kill himself for fuck's sake! It was all because of his feelings toward Josh. It seemed like the wise thing to do at this point was end it with Josh, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He loved Josh far too much.

"I love you"

That was it. That was why Desmond put up with everything. They loved each other. Now Desmond had to figure out how to be happy with Josh and how to make Josh happy with him. Desmond smiled weakly and looked up at Josh. It was so nice to just have him there. He wished he'd had this comfort during the moments when he was alone in the hospital.

"I'm sorry." it wasn't an apology for cheating on him, it was an apology for his little 'accident'. After having time to think about it Desmond realized how truly selfish he'd been not consider how people would react to his actions. Now he knew how upset people would have been to see him go. He felt bad about it, but right now he was just happy to still be alive.

[doherty]

Josh returned Desmond's smile, although it was a bit stronger than the younger man's. It was only slightly forced, but Josh knew that it was what Desmond needed to see. So he provided. Desmond apologized, and Josh lowered his eyes. "I know," he returned gently. "It's all right." Well, it wasn't ALL right. There was still the recovery time and then Audrey to deal with and then Josh's own sickness... but for now, it was okay. In order to enforce what he had said, Josh leaned down and did something he hadn't expected to do - he kissed Desmond. There had been so many moments, when Desmond had been sleeping, that Josh had just wanted to kiss him, tell him to get better, let him know that he was absolutely loved no matter what... But he hadn't done it. It was partly because he was afraid of everyone's reaction: Desmond's, his parents' - imagine if they had been there - and Audrey's. The more he thought about it, the more horrible he felt for not doing something... not bisiting while Desmond was awake, not talking to him... the poor guy had probably been so upset in the hospital. Hospitals were the lonliest places on Earth.

Josh pulled away and looked at Desmond. He looked so hopeful at that moment, like the only think he wanted was for Josh to make things better. At elast, that's how Josh interpreted it. And he would definitely try. That was it - he was tired of all this sadness. He had had so much of that in his life that now he wanted happiness. Now, before it was too late for him. So, for both his and Desmond;s sake, Josh grinned in a way only he could, the way he had grinned the first time he had seen Desmond in the apark, as he played his guitar. It was a grin that revealed that he was sure of something. That first day he had been sure of his next meal... and this day he was sure that he and Desmond were going to be all right, at least for a little while now.

[Short, I apologize]

[Desmond Giuseppe]

The kiss was just that little bit of reassurance that Desmond needed. It reminded him of why he'd fallen in love in the first place, he couldn't help nut blush slightly and smile. He wanted so badly for it to be a full on make out, his eighteen year old horniness getting the best of him, but Josh was too gentle by nature to just go into that with Desmond lying sick in bed. Well, not so much sick as weak at the moment. He was becoming increasingly restless always having to stay in bed. "Do you think you could lay down with me?" he asked, giving his puppy dog eyes, but trying not to be too obvious about it. "We'll be able to hear my mom when she comes back so we won't get caught." If he had to stay in bed at the very least he could lay with his boyfriend.

((eh, short, sorry))

[doherty]

"Do you think you could lay down with me?" Desmond asked, as if it was something Josh could actually refuse. He didn't even need that bit of reassurance from Desmond about his mother.Fuck it, Josh thought. Let her come home and see them in each others' arms, he didn't see a problem with it. Only... everyone else had a problem with it.

Josh rolled gently over Desmond and layed beside him, draping one arm over his chest. He smiled and peered at his boyfriend, blinked afew times and examined Desmond's face. He wanted to say something like, "I love you, I love you, I love you," but, well... he'd be repeating himself and Desmond would think he was crazy. And after they had just made up... he didn't want to push it too much.

Josh sighed and clsoed his eyes, so comforted by Desmond's body laying close to his. This was the way it was supposed to be, Josh realized, and he had no idea how he could have gone so long without it. For as long as Desmond had been in the hospital and then for the few days Desmond had been home, how had Josh gone without this kind of contact? He really had no idea, but he was really glad it was back.

[Desmond Giuseppe]

Having Josh's warm body next to his made Desmond immediately feel better. He turned over so he was facing Josh and cuddled up to him. It was just like the first night they spent together, before all this shit happened with knowing about Josh's disease and Desmond being just a stupid asshole. It was like it all never happened.

As nice and comforting as Josh lying next to him was, Desmond wanted Josh to be closer. "Um, could you please get under the covers with me?" he asked sweetly, giving Josh a pleading look. He knew there was no way Josh would refuse.

((It's poo poo, sorry))

[doherty]

For a second, Josh was able to think, This is going too fast, before his heart and body overthrew his mind. At Desmond's request, Josh moved, with some difficulty, until he was able to slide under the covers. Christ, now the two of them were even closer. It was strange - only a couple of hours ago Josh could have sworn that the two of them weren't going to make it... but here they were, happy together like before the world came crashing down on their heads, on their temporary utopia. For once there were no secrets between them, no deep, dirty, dark secrets to surface and ruin everything. No lies, just love.

The two of them were laying on the bed, facing one another. Josh smiled, shifted so now instead of being next to each other, they were absolutely together, the lines of their bodies indistinguishable from one another. "This any better?" Josh asked, his voice hopeful. He would do anything to make Desmond happy.

[Desmond Giuseppe]

"Much better." said Desmond. He cuddled his head up against Josh's chest with a small, cute grin on his face. He didn't even care that his hair was all nappy from not getting to wash it as much as he normally did, he just hoped Josh didn't care as well. It always made him so happy to have Josh with him, to know that he was loved by someone other than his friends and parents. It was very comforting especially since he still felt a little vulnerable. He felt completely safe with Josh. He hoped his mother would just stay at the grocery store forever so Josh would have to leave the warmth of Desmond's bed.

[doherty]

Josh was satisfied. Mrs. Guiseppe had left him to take care of Desmond, and he thought he was doing a wonderful job. Josh smiled at Desmond's happy demeanor. He could sense the good feelings coming from Desmond and couldn't help bu tshare the sentiment. If only they could stay like that forever. If only they could more openly love each other like this. Which brought up an interesting question, a question Josh had been meaning to ask his boyfriend for a while now.

Sighing gently, Josh rested his chair on the top of Desmond's head. He tried his hardest to ignore the nervous, panicked feeling that was putting pressure on his throat and then spoke. "Desmond..." he stated, pausing briefly only to think on the strange sensation of his chest vibrating against Desmond's cheek as he spoke. "There's something I wanted to know." Josh felt as though he had to hold on tighter to Desmond so he didn't just up and leave at the aforementioned inquiry. "How long are we keeping this secret?" There, it was out. And Josh continued quickly in an attempt to justify what he had just said. "I mean, it's been a while and it's really frustrating to only be with you in secret and for really brief moments in time, and..." Josh trailed off, hardly able to believe what he had just said. Yeah, he had some nerve... Desmond had recently tried to kill himself because of Josh, and now Josh was demanding more.

Jesus, Josh, he thought to himself. How much more sacrifice do you expect?

[Desmond Giuseppe]

Desmond frowned at Josh's question. He honestly hadn't thought about how long there were going to keep their relationship a secret. Desmond had just been happy to spend what time he could with Josh. Since he knew of the dangers of what his parents would do he didn't mind his time with Josh having to be secret. Perhaps it wasn't fair to expect the same acceptance out of Josh. . . but still, how could they not keep it a secret? It's not like his parents will be please that he's in a relationship with a much older man who also has AIDS.

"I . . . don't know. ." said Desmond slowly after a few moments of hesitation. His first reaction was 'after I graduate high school', but he knew that was way too far off for Josh to accept, "I mean. . . I can't exactly just tell my parents can I? I don't think they'd like the fact that you're nine years older than me. . . that among other things. . . " As far as a time span went, Desmond had no idea what to say! All he could give was reason why he should tell his parents. "Josh, I-I don't know what to tell you. . ." Desmond was starting to feel a little helpless; he knew he wasn't giving any answers Josh wanted to hear.

[doherty]

Fuck. Josh couldn't supress the disappointment rising in him. He wasn't sure what kind of answer he had expected... But he had been hoping that Desmond would just say, 'We can tell everyone,' and then Josh wouldn't have to think on it any longer. But no... that's not what happened. Of course that's not what happened. For fuck's sake, so many things were going wrong in Josh's life, why not this one last thing? Why the hell not?

Josh sighed, bowed his head and shook it lightly, unconsciously pulling himself away from Desmond. "You and I both know it's not my age that your parents will have a problem with." His voice was low and bitter, holding that sadness about his disease that he displayed so rarely. "It's because they will think I'm going to give you AIDS, infect you, and that I'm some disgusting... thing for having it." Josh scoffed, looking away. "Nothing new. They'll do to me what my own parents did: put me out on my ass and make me deal with my own shit." Josh was frustrated suddenly, frustrated about it all, and he didn't want to wait any longer to be happy. He wanted happiness now, and he knew Desmond couldn't give it to him.

Throwing the blanket off of him, Josh slid out of the bed and stood next to it, looking down at Desmond. Josh was being so selfish and he knew it, and he didn't care. Not now. "I don't want to keep this a secret any longer, Desmond." His voice was firm and determined - he wasn't going to back down, not without a fight, and a fight was most likely what he would get. "I'm tired of secrets, and I'm surprised you're not, too."

[Desmond Giuseppe]

"You and I both know it's not my age that your parents will have a problem with. It's because they will think I'm going to give you AIDS, infect you, and that I'm some disgusting... thing for having it."

Josh pulled away from Desmond and all the comfort of having him there completely died. Desmond was shocked at Josh's aggression, sure he hadn't expected Josh to be happy with his response, but he didn't expect him to become so angry. For a moment Desmond was speechless, to shocked by Josh's mood swing to speak. Unfortunately Josh was right; his parents would be afraid of Josh giving him his disease, but how could he blame them? They were Desmond's parents! Of course there were going to worry about him! And having a boyfriend with AIDS wasn't going to help matters. Of course Desmond didn't care; he loved Josh dearly with or without AIDS. He just knew his parents wouldn't feel the same way. It wasn't until Josh called himself 'disgusting' that Desmond found his voice again.

"You're not disgusting!" he burst out tearfully, "How could you say that!?" Desmond took a moment to breath. Now wasn't the time to try to bullshit Josh, he was just going to have to come out with the truth no matter how painful it was. "My parents don't think you're disgusting! Josh. . . my parents just worry about me. . .I can't help it if they wouldn't like me being in love with someone with AIDS. . ."

Josh tore out of the bed leaving Desmond hurt and upset. "I don't want to keep this a secret any longer, Desmond. I'm tired of secrets, and I'm surprised you're not, too."

"I don't like having to keep this a secret, Josh!" Desmond exclaimed, sitting up in his bed. "I'm just afraid of what will happen if my parents find out! Josh. . . I work hard to keep this a secret so I can still love you and not fear losing you! I was so fucking scare I was going to lose you that I tried to fucking KILL MYSELF, JOSH!" Now Desmond went from hurt to fucking angry. How could Josh lay all this shit on him now? After everything that had happened! Was it not enough that Desmond would literally die for Josh? "I've done everything I could to make you happy! I gave you a place to stay and medicine so you could live longer! I know I fucked up, but hell I admitted it right away! How long did it take you to tell me you had fucking AIDS, Josh? A FUCKING WEEK! And I still loved you! What the fuck else do you want from me, Josh?"

[doherty]

"I WANT TO KNOW THAT I CAN BE HAPPY!" Josh shouted in reply. He stopped abruptly, and there was a ringing silence before he continued. "For how many fucking years in my life I've been unhappy, I've been living with AIDS, I've been living on the street and now I'm so CLOSE, so fucking CLOSE to being happy, and it's getting taken away from me." Josh stared at Desmond, shook his head. "How is that at all fair? How is it HORRIBLE of me to ask that of you? To ask for happiness? You have no idea-" He choked, shaking his head again, not believing that this was happening, that he had to defend himself like this. "I've waited so long to find someone to love me after my parents disowned me for having AIDS, and now I've found you and we can't be in love. We aren't allowed. It has to be a secret."

Josh's own anger was rising. He didn't want to hear this shit, not now. Why couldn't Desmond had just said that... they could tell everyone and everything was going to be okay? Why not? Why couldn't he have that much? "I've tried not to BE my disease, but when I have to make sure not to let anyone know how much I love you because of it, it's hard not to think that I'm disgusting. You're trying to assure me that having AIDS is all right, but that's the REASON we're being secretive. Don't even TRY to say that it's something else, because it isn't!" Josh clenched his teeth. He knew he shouldn't go on, because this was getting so bad for the two of them, but fuck... he was so angry. "You've done so much for me, you know that, and you also know how grateful I am. You've dragged my life out... I'd probably be dead right now if it weren't for you and your family. But now that I have a chance to live, I want to LIVE... to be with you before it all goes downhill. Because I know it will." Josh peered at Desmond and finished softly, "I've kept too many secrets and they've always destroyed me. I don't want to make that mistake again."

[Desmond Giuseppe]

It was like Josh was verbally slapping him in the face. He couldn't possibly blame everything ever on him having AIDS. Even though he didn't have it Desmond knew it was a hard thing to life with, but to let it completely take over your life and keep you from being happy was complete bullshit. Desmond saw Rent, he knew people could be happy with AIDS. Angel was fucking happy! If Josh wasn't happy it was his own damn fault! Desmond had been completely happy with keeping their relationship secret. Sure the AIDS thing was a damper, but Desmond was willing to see past that and love Josh. Desmond couldn't handle giving his heart to Josh just to have it thrown back at him with the lamest of excuses. If Josh wasn't willing to work just a little bit for this relationship then maybe he didn't deserve Desmond. Maybe he didn't deserve to have someone love him.

"You know what Josh?!" Desmond exclaimed, "The only reason AIDS is fucking up your life is because you FUCKING LET IT! Do you even want to fucking try to be happy? Or do you want to be a whiny little bitch about it and use it as the excuse for all the fucking problems in your life?" It was tough love time. Desmond was sick of Josh's constant depression, he was a jolly person by nature and could no longer let Josh bring him down. "I'm sick of this Josh. I've tried to make you happy. . . I have. . . Telling my parents isn't going to make this better." Desmond pictured a far fetched scene in his head where him and Josh were sitting on the couch together watching a movie with his parents and they were fine with Everything. They were fine with Josh being older than him, being homeless, and having AIDS. That was just a fantasy. It would never happen.

"And believe it or not, it's not just the fact you have AIDS that would bother my parents Josh," Desmond was getting angrier by the minute, "You're also nine years older than me, homeless, and have you even tried to get a job?" In truth if Josh had AIDS, but he was the same age as Desmond, was taking care of himself, and didn't live with them Desmond was sure he parents wouldn't mind so much. There would be a certain level of concern, but they wouldn't forbid him from seeing Josh, but the reality was Josh wasn't all those things. Desmond was beginning to think he wasn't even trying to change. "You spend most of your time lying around the house while I'm at school or at work or at band practice or at Lacrosse practice! You want to live? Go fucking do something, Josh! If you had a job and got your own place we could be together as much as we want! Stop complaining about EVERYTHING! Fucking DO SOMETHING!"

Desmond stopped to breath. He knew he was getting personal now, but it was all stuff Josh needed to hear. Desmond didn't want to end his relationship with Josh, he really didn't, but Josh was just making it harder and harder for him. When he went to speak again he tried his best to be calm and suppress his anger. "Josh, since we've been together for a while now it's much worse to tell my parents now that it would have been in the beginning. Since you basically saved my life my parents see you as almost son and to tell them about us now would seem like betrayal. Why can't you understand that? This has gone deeper now than you having AIDS. . ." Desmond looked down into his lap for a moment and fiddled with his sheets. He was tried, tried of arguing, tired of trying to convince Josh that he loved him, tired of fucking everything. He looked up at Josh with a pleading look in his eyes. "I'm doing everything I can to make you happy. . ."

[doherty]

Josh's eyes flashed with anger. "You idiotic, immature little boy," he snapped. His heart was breaking. Desmond had no fucking idea what he was saying. "All your life you've been spoiled and pampered and you don't know ANYTHING about the real world." His voice caught in his throat and he moved quickly to the door. He didn't want to deal with this shit. So that's what Desmond really thought of him. Thought he was lazy and whiny... Fuck, he didn't eve KNOW. "I won't stay here any longer," Josh said, his sadness giving way to absolute anger. "I won't be a fucking burden." He was at the door. He wrapped his fingers around the knob, paused for a moment. He had to consciously stop himself from thinking, though, because if he actually thought about what was happening, he'd stay and perhaps apologize and everything would be different. But, no. His pride had been wounded, and by the one person he thought would forgive him of anything. So now... now he had to leave. josh scoffed, shook his head. "Fuck you, Desmond," he said under his breath as he opened the door. "How dare you assume you know everything about me." And he walked out of Desmond's room and slammed the door behind him without a second glance at his... now ex-boyfriend.

Josh walked down the hallway and into his room. He looked at all the things Desmond and his parents had given him and realized that he couldn't take any of it with him. If this was going to end... it was going to END. Josh wouldn't have any ties to Desmond or this house or... or any of it. Fuck it all. Josh knelt on the carpeted floor and reached under his - the[/i] bed and pulled out his guitar case. He grabbed his guitar from in the corner of the room and put it in its case, then closed it. He took one more quick look around, clenched his teeth, grabbed his guitar, and walked out. He passed Desmond's room and was half-tempted to stop and say something and apologize...

He continued down the hall, down the stairs, and out of the house. It was over.[/color]

[Desmond Giuseppe]

Desmond was so overwhelmed with shock by everything Josh was saying doing that he couldn't move or speak. There was a whirlpool of emotions going through his mind ranging from rage to depression. He just couldn't believe how his quiet loving Josh could have turned so suddenly cold toward him. Desmond want to do something, anything to stop him from leaving. He want to apologize, beg for forgiveness for all the stupid things he had said on the spur of the moment, but when he opened his mouth nothing came out except a whimpered sob. He felt numb, he just couldn't move or do anything except sit there and take every thing Josh was saying to him.

Desmond felt like he was watching a very sad movie and not living his own life when he saw Josh walk out of the room with his last painful sentiments. His last words were what hurt the most because Desmond could feel the anger and hatred behind them. Desmond was no longer angry, nor did he hate Josh, but he couldn't find the will to stop Josh from leaving. . . If Josh hated being there so much, maybe it was best for him to leave. If it was what Josh really wanted who was Desmond to try and stop him?

Desmond sat and watched as Josh's figure moved swiftly past his room carrying his guitar. Tears began to fill his eyes as he heard the man he loved go down his steps and out of his home. Desmond just sat there in a trance like state wondering how the fuck their relationship had gone so long. Then after a period of time, maybe it was an hour or maybe if had only been five minutes, Desmond couldn't tell, he suddenly got off his bed and ran out of his house bare foot. He wasn't running after Josh he was running anywhere, but his house; everything there reminded him of Josh and how much he loved him.