Just Breathe. (Zeke)

[Christian Hart]

The time had finally come.

No chaperones, no friends, no parents calling every five minutes (more like ten). Christian was alone at last, and it felt amazing. It was ironic; he wanted someone more than ever, yet he didn't want anyone around. Or, at least anyone he knew. Strangers were good, but old friends were best. Particularly old boyfriends.

Sitting anxiously on a stool in Dino's Pizza, Christian folded a napkin half-heartedly into a small hat and tried to keep his attention away from the fact that the karate school was next door, and possibly Zeke.

It was a dangerous idea, to use his first chance at freedom to try and run into him, but Chris couldn't really think of anything else he wanted, nothing as much as this. After being forcibly separated, he'd become empty, waiting for an opportunity to find someone to fill him up again. He thought he'd have to wait until the end of senior year for that time, but when his parents allowed him three hours to go clothes shopping for college, Christian realized that he might not have to wait so long.

A waitress brought out the single slice of pizza he'd ordered and he gave his thanks before absently ripping off pieces of crust. He'd never been a fan of pizza, but he needed an excuse to be here, and he figured that somehow waiting for an ex-lover who might not even be there wasn't the best reason (not to mention it made him seem kind of creepy).

Glancing out the store front window, Christian watched the passerbys with little interest. Sure they were strangers, but they weren't Zeke. That was what was important at the moment.

[Zeke Nayakan]

Zeke was, in fact, teaching a class that day. It ended right on time, like it always did, and at 5:30 he washed up a bit before deciding that he'd stop by Dino's to get some dinner. He was hungry, and there wasn't a whole lot to eat back home. He was still in his white karate uniform, black belt and all, when he entered the pizza shop.

That was when he saw him. Christian Hart. Could it really be? What were the chances that, after at least a year of not seeing or hearing from him, he'd be here? Now? Apparently they weren't that bad, since here he was. Zeke was hardly able to believe it, and so he was rooted in place for a moment as he tried to assess the situation.

Once Chris's parents had found out that they'd been seeing each other, they had forced him to quit karate and had kept him on a short leash. They had also called Zeke's parents, and told them that their son was gay. That had not been how he planned on coming out to them, that was for sure, but that was what had happened. Since then, the two had decided that it was too much hassel and risk for them to try and see each other. End of story.

Or so he had thought. There were so many emotions stirring up inside of him at the sight of his ex, not the least of which being confusion. "Christian?" he said, unable to just walk by and pretend he hadn't seen him. It was impossible to keep the shock from his voice.

[Christian Hart]

Christian had been hoping against all hope that Zeke would show up, but after all the crap that had happened the year before, he expected to sit there for another two and half hours before running to the mall and buying some clothes he could present as evidence to his outing. However, when Zeke walked into the store taller, beautiful, and even more wonderful than he remembered, all his pessimistic thoughts vacated his mind.

Despite the fact that this was exactly what he wanted, Christian became even more anxious than he'd been. What would he say? Could they somehow connect again? Maybe even... no, he couldn't get ahead of himself. Zeke looked completely surprised and his tone suggested the same, so he wanted to take things slow. His heart was weary, and even though he couldn't say the same of Zeke, he was at least certain of the fact that it would take a while to get used to the shock.

Using his trembling hands to push himself up, Chris stood up and attempted to hide the shaking digits by wringing them.

"Zeke." he acknowledged, as if confirming that this was actually happening. "Zeke... I... it's good to see you again."

Christian gave himself a mental kick. It was more than good to see him; it was amazing, wonderul, spectacular to see him. It was all he wanted and all he needed and all he could feel at that moment. But he'd promised himself to take it slow.

[Zeke Nayakan]

Zeke realized that he must have looked quite stupid just standing there in the middle of the pizza shop, staring at Christian. Any onlooker would think that he had seen a ghost. In a way, that was what had just happened. After the past year, every day Christian’s memory had been fading away little by little in his brain. He had, almost, become like a ghost of his past. Almost was the crucial word there, because the second he had seen him sitting there, Christian had become all too real again.

As Christian forced himself to stand and cross over to where he was standing, Zeke started moving his own legs towards his old boyfriend to meet him half way. At least now it didn’t seem like he had lost complete control of his actions, like when he’d been rooted to the spot a moment ago. He was painfully aware of every movement his body made, especially walking. He was playing it cool, though.

“It’s good to see you too. It’s been…” Torture? Lonely? Confusing? “… a while.”

Zeke realized that there were so many things he could have said, that he should have said, but none of them would form a coherent sentence in his head. Just when he’d gotten comfortable with his life! Now there was Chris again. Chris. His sweet, innocent, Chris. Oh, how things have changed. He wondered what the best course of action would be. Shaking hands seemed very formal, but a hug might get awkward. This whole meeting might get awkward. He decided to see what Chris would do first.

[Christian Hart]

“It’s good to see you too. It’s been… a while.”

If only Christian hadn't been so completely aware of how long it had been. If only he hadn't noticed how the days seemed to drag on and blend into each other, names and dates slurring into one long period that he only acknowledged as absent of Zeke. If only he couldn't agree with his comment of how long it'd been.

But he did, and he felt the need for some sort of physical contact to make up for all that time. Quickly trying to judge how awkward different greetings rated, he hesitantly placed his hand on Zeke's arm when he drew a blank on what would be appropriate.

In a way, it seemed right, but he still regretted it as a slew of memories hit him. Their first meeting as sensei and pupil, the constant flirting that led to their first date, the slight angst about their semi student-teacher relationship (that they got over when they first kissed), the countless dates and kisses and adoring looks that followed... not to mention their nights together, hushed and feverish and so intense he felt like he was drowning in it, drowning in him...

"I've missed you." he whispered hoarsely, barely able to keep himself from desperately continuing, "for so very long". So much for keeping calm - his nerves were already shot to pieces from that single touch. It was all he could do not to throw himself against Zeke's broad chest and wrap his arms around the boy he'd tried to hard to forget.

[Zeke Nayakan]

Zeke could have sworn that he saw a hint of desperation in Christian's eyes. Had Chris missed him that badly? He supposed that it would've been harder on him, being restrained by his parents, than it had been for Zeke, who was able to move on with his life in a normal fashion. He couldn't begin to imagine how life had been for Christian, especially since he went to a private school.

"I missed you too," Zeke said, taking care to note (but not show) that he had heard the shake, the quiver of emotion, in Christian's voice.

The silence that filled the air was hanging over him as he stood there, unsure of what to say next. Had he really missed Christian as well? Of course he had, at least at first. At first life without him had been meaningless, and he had even snuck into the tree across the street to watch him through his window. He never dared to tell him that, or try to make contact, for fear that his parents might find out and tell the neighbors. But after a month or so he had stopped trying to see him. After three months he was getting on with his life, trying to forget, and after six months he found himself starting to check out other guys. After about nine months he was almost to the point where he could've lived his life without seeing Christian ever again, and he'd thought of him less and less. He had actually believed that he was over Chris. Until he'd seen him just now.

And then everything had changed.

[Christian Hart]

Noticing the slightly tense silence, Christian withdrew his hand and went back to wringing them as well as drawing his gaze away from Zeke. He'd gotten so into the moment he'd forgotten that they were standing in the middle of Dino's, most likely obstructing the way of several customers. Making a weak gesture toward the table, he looked up at the taller boy again and colored slightly due to the situation.

"Would you like to sit down?" Christian asked quietly, trying to express facially that he wasn't trying to start anything. After all, it'd been close to a year since they'd last seen each other face to face, and he could tell by Zeke's demeanor that he wasn't quite as emotional as he was. Surely he could have moved on.

Oh, but that thought was hard to digest. So, so hard. But Christian kept up his mantra despite the sinking feeling he was experiencing.

"Take it slow. Take it slow."

[Zeke Nayakan]

Ezekiel realized that they were still standing in the center of the shop. He hadn't really registered that fact until Christian motioned to the table he'd been sitting at before Zeke had come inside. Imagining the looks the pair of them were probably getting, he decided that it was probably the best idea to take the offered seat. He also thought that his being in full uniform probably wasn't helping to divert attention away from them.

"Sure," he agreed, walking over and taking the seat opposite of Christian. He didn't want to let another awkward silence fill the air between them, and so he decided to speak first. "What have you been up to?"

The question sounded stupid considering the history between them, but it was all he could think of. What else should he say? What was Chris expecting? I've been waiting for you to return, I love you? While it was good to see him again, he wasn't looking to rush things. He could tell that Christian was working not to rush things either, and that was a relief.

Zeke found himself looking over his shoulder towards the door. "I can't help but shake the feeling that this is a trap, and that your parents are going to come in here to pull you away again." It was honest, at least, and he smiled a little to lighten the mood as he waited for his response.

[Christian Hart]

"What have you been up to?"

It would have been entirely too bitter and honest to say 'Nothing', so he came up with a respectable response.

"Schoolwork, mostly. I have a lot of time.. nowadays." Christian began, ending the response short when he realized that he might have been touching on something Zeke wasn't ready to confront again. He wasn't sure if he could even talk about those things yet. It was all so difficult now, what had seemed so simple before.

"I can't help but shake the feeling that this is a trap, and that your parents are going to come in here to pull you away again."

Christian realized shortly after Zeke had said this that he was trying to be humorous about the situation, but for that brief span of time between reaction and realization, he felt like his stomach had turned to lead. Paranoia and sadness swept him away for an instant when he remembered his mother walking in on them mid-kiss during Batman Returns and going berserk, practically pulling them apart and chasing Zeke out of the house before rounding on him. It was the worst day of his life.

Managing to smile, Christian nodded. "Yeah. It makes you a little paranoid, but you get used to it after a while."

[Zeke Nayakan]

Zeke decided immediately after he said it that mentioning Christian's parents that it was a bad idea. It only brought back memories of that day... Zeke remembered going home to find that Christian's parents had called his parents, and that before his father knew he was in the house he heard the words 'my son, MY SON, is one of them... them faggots'. His father had spat out that word like it was a curse, even though once he realized his son was home both of his parents pretended that they were sympathetic.

Zeke shook his head to rid it of those thoughts. He was here now, talking with Christian, and there was no time to dwell on the past.

"Schoolwork. Yeah, me too. AP classes suck up a lot of my free time, and what's left I use teaching karate."

Again, the memories of Christian first joining his karate class sprang to the front of his mind, and he had to force them back. There was too much going on for him to process all at once like this. He needed time. Time he didn't have.

"Well... you look good." Jesus, he thought, mentally slapping himself. What the hell was he thinking? Of course he looked good. He always looked good. It just seemed like the sort of thing that couples said after they haven't seen each other in a while. Looking into Christian's eyes, he smiled. They were getting pizza right after he had finished a karate class... it was just like old times.

((ooc- equally lame. Bleh. This is almost as awkward for me as it is for Zeke!))

[Christian Hart]

"Well... you look good."

Zeke had once again made him smile, despite the frenzied emotions he was feeling. That was something he'd always been good at, making him smile. Good god, he just couldn't stop thinking about everything they'd been through together and how much he missed what they had.

"So do you. In fact, better than ever." he replied.

Christian fumbled for something else to say, anything to keep him here. This most likely wasn't going to happen again, not for a long time at least, so he had to use the time he had wisely.

"Do you want some pizza?" he blurted, pointing to the mangled slice he'd gotten earlier. Yes, very effective, very confrontational. Swell. But Zeke had come in here for a reason: to eat (though he probably wanted a less disfigured piece). And while that was an excuse to avoid talking about past events, Christian wasn't going to stop him from eating.

[Zeke Nayakan]

Zeke hadn't realized how nervous he had been until he felt the relief flow over him as Christian smiled. He didn't want to say the wrong thing, and since Christian's reaction hadn't been negative (in fact, it had been quite positive) he knew that his compliment had been the right thing to say.

"So do you. In fact, better than ever." Zeke smiled back, taking the compliment silently. What else was there to say? Unless they had hours to catch up on each others lives, not that they really wanted to, then there was not a whole lot to talk about except starting over. Fresh. Anew. It was a strange concept, one that Zeke didn't necessarily believe would work.

Then Christian offered him some pizza. Zeke looked down at the mangled piece of food and gave a good-natured laugh. "Thanks anyway. I think I'll wait and order something later." Zeke hoped that Christian wouldn't take offense to his turning down the food, but he really wasn't hungry any more. Actually, he had completely forgotten about the fact that it was well past his usual dinner time. Everything rational had left his mind the second he'd spotted Chris. He didn't want to eat when there was so much they could talk about. It was just a pity that nothing was coming to his head at the moment.

"Are your parents still against your being gay? Or have you... played the field? Started going with girls again?" it was a fair question. Before they had gotten together, neither of them had ever been with another guy. It was quite possible that, because of his parents, Christian could've realized that he liked girls after all. Maybe he was bi-sexual, and not all-out gay like Zeke turned out to be. His tone showed that he wasn't judging him at all, but that he was just curious. He knew that if he didn't ask the hard questions, they would never get anywhere with this conversation.

Why did he always have to do the hard work?

[Christian Hart]

"Are your parents still against your being gay? Or have you... played the field? Started going with girls again?"

Christian had been prepared to answer the first two questions with a definite yes and no respectively, until he was completely shocked by the third. What did he mean? Was he honestly asking if he was dating girls? When he could do nothing but think about him?

He might've pointed this out had he not realized how irrational he was being. They hadn't seen each other for so long after all; he supposed it was reasonable that he might question his orientation. Zeke had been his first and only so far, so it was possible that he might decide to switch teams. But honestly, Zeke knew he'd never been interested in girls in the first place: why would he now?

Keeping a pleasant demeanor, he sighed and answered.

"Yes, they've threatened to kick me out if I ever... dated another guy," he began, choosing to omit the fact that they were more concerned with Christian seeing Zeke again, "So, no. I haven't. And no, I'm still gay. Always have been. Always will be."

Furrowing his brow slightly, he said those last comments quietly as to mask the severe tone his voice took on. Christian couldn't help but feel somewhat embarassed... hadn't Zeke trusted him enough to sleep with him? What made him think he might suddenly like girls?

"Don't get riled up now. Just relax."

[Zeke Nayakan]

"So, no. I haven't. And no, I'm still gay. Always have been. Always will be."

Zeke nodded slowly, taking in every word that he said. Zeke wasn't stupid. He knew that the question may have been a little direct, but he had to ask. He had to know that this was still real. If he had come back, it could have been because he was dating girls again to please his parents. He did trust Christian, but he just had to be sure.

He could also tell just from Christian's change in posture and body movements how he felt, even if he didn't come right out and say it. The way he furrowed his brows, the change in his voice... he was upset. But that wasn't what Zeke wanted at all! He just wanted to make sure that he wasn't being played. That he wasn't on one page while Christian was on another.

Finally, Zeke smiled. "I figured as much. I just... had to be sure. It's been a while. Things can change over a whole year, but I'm glad that they haven't." Zeke hoped that this would calm Christian down a little, or at least put him at ease.

[Christian Hart]

"I figured as much. I just... had to be sure. It's been a while. Things can change over a whole year, but I'm glad that they haven't."

It did, a little, but Christian still felt a bit flustered. He had been surprised by the confrontational questions, even though they were probably the best ones to ask, and tried to recollect his scattered emotions. Hope had begun to rise in his chest and Christian did his best to supress it, along with the anxiety and uncertainty. The worst thing he could do was get ahead of himself.

"So," he began softly, deciding to ask the question he'd been dreading most, "have you been seeing anyone?"

It wasn't just a counter question or a question sprung from curiousity; he just needed to know how far Zeke had moved on and how their past relationship stood in the balance. To try and convince his ex-boyfriend that he wasn't going to be judgemental of the answer, Christian looked him square in the eye with a strange calmness he'd managed to muster in the midst of alll that was going on in his mind.

[...yeah, that's crap. but oh well.]

[Zeke Nayakan]

Zeke wondered how Christian was going to ract, but found that he took the quesiton and the response pretty well. At least neither of them was crying or yelling at one another, which was a step in the right direction. There were so many ways that this meeting could have, and even still could, go wrong.

So,"

Zeke could just tell from the tone of Christian's voice what he was about to ask. He imagined that it was a good idea after all for him to have asked that first tough question, because it had opened up the flood gates to allow through any other hard questions that they might want - no, need - to ask.

...have you been seeing anyone?"

The question just hung there, heavy in the air. Zeke thought of so many things. He had made out with one guy, but that had been a one-time thing. He hadn't seen him again since the event. Other than that...

"No, I haven't."

Yet even as he said it, he found himself thinking about that damned sophomore. He was positive Marcoh was gay, or at least bi, and he had to admit that he hadn't been so attracted to anyone since he'd broken up with Christian. Just the same, Marcoh had never mentioned anything about even so much as getting together. Perhaps he just hadn't been interested. Just thinking about Marcoh in Christian's presense made him feel guilty, though, so he returned the question even though he already knew the answer.

"Have you?"

[Christian Hart]

"No, I haven't."

The answer was simple enough, but Christian could tell Zeke had become preoccupied. He was thinking about something - or more likely, someone else that he didn't want to mention. As nervous as this made him, he nodded to show he registered Zeke's answer and kept his emotionless expression intact.

"Have you?"

"I'm not allowed... and I can't quite sneak out or anything. They have their eye on me 24/7. This is my first time out alone." Christian replied, trying to display an uncaring air. He didn't want Zeke to pity him for being cooped up for so long.

However, Christian was feeling a bit envious of Zeke. From what they'd said, he sounded as if he were able to come and go day by day, anywhere and with anyone. It must've been nice.

[Zeke Nayakan]

Zeke quickly cleared his face of any emotion, wondering if he had given anything he was thinking away. He tended to forget the fact that just like he could easily read other people, other people could just as easily read him. It was a double-edged sword.

"I'm not allowed... and I can't quite sneak out or anything. They have their eye on me 24/7. This is my first time out alone."

Zeke couldn't hide his shock. He hadn't realized how serious Christian's parents had been! That had been a year ago, more or less, and he had fully expected his parents to be over the whole thing, or at least to have come to terms with it. But to still be watching his every move, keeping him locked away all the time? He couldn't imagine how that must have been for him.

"Wow... I thought for sure that they would have come to terms with it by now." he said, deciding that if didn't come out and say it that his expression clearly showed his shock. "Are you sure you should be here? I mean, I'd hate to have you ruin this whole freedom thing on account of me."

Zeke made sure that his tone implied that he was just looking out for him. He wasn't trying to hint at him leaving, or telling him that he didn't want to talk to him. Just the opposite; Zeke figured that as long as he played it cool, the two of them could meet up again, but only if he was still allowed out!

[Christian Hart]

"Wow... I thought for sure that they would have come to terms with it by now. Are you sure you should be here? I mean, I'd hate to have you ruin this whole freedom thing on account of me."

Christian swallowed thickly and reddened.

"I... didn't know where else to go. I needed to see you again." he admitted quietly, looking Zeke straight in the eyes with a weary expression. It was the absolute truth. A hard truth that he had to put out there, despite any awkwardness that might arise because of it.

It wasn't like he was saying he wanted to get back together or anything crazy like that, but it was still a sore issue. Would Zeke even want to know that Christian still thought about him so much? What if he just wanted to move on, to get away from him and his crazy parents? Christian was glad that Zeke had stuck around this long and hadn't excused himself for some miscellaneous reason.

"Don't get ahead of yourself!" he reprimanded again, feeling embarrassed. Zeke could still walk out at any moment.

[Zeke Nayakan]

At the beginning of the conversation, Ezekiel had been pretty sure that he could predict the way the conversation was going. After a minute or two he had at least been able to figure out what Christian's responses to certain things would be, and he had known what to say and what not to say. Now everything was different. Everything had somehow changed. They were opening up a little more, and the conversation was bouncing all over the place. He knew that both of them must've had conflicting emotions welling up, which could end up making this conversation all the more interesting, though not necessarily in a good way.

"I... didn't know where else to go. I needed to see you again."

Zeke just nodded slowly, to acknowledge that he had heard and understood the comment. He didn't say anything for a long moment, though. He didn't quite know what to say. It finally clicked that this meeting wasn't an accident... Christian had been waiting for him here!

"Well, I'm flattered," he said, sitting back in his chair again. "It is nice to see you again. You know, make sure you still exist. I'm glad you came."

Zeke didn't know whether this was the best thing to say, nor was he 100% sure that it was true. It felt right, though, and that was all that had mattered.

[Christian Hart]

"Well, I'm flattered. It is nice to see you again. You know, make sure you still exist. I'm glad you came."

Christian couldn't help but resent the casual conversation they were carrying on. As much as it was wonderful to see Zeke again, he'd thought that maybe... somehow they could...

But then it hit him. Of course they couldn't. Christian was being utterly selfish and unrealistic in his visions of them getting back together. While he was ready to resume where they left off, he was still under house arrest and even attempting to see each other would be practically impossible. Not to mention all the pain and stress his parents must've put Zeke through. Plus, Christian remembered, he was probably interested in someone else already, by the way he'd looked earlier.

So, as much as it hurt to admit it, this was probably the friendliest they were going to become. And it hurt a lot.

"Yeah, it's nice to see you too." Christian replied, forcing a half-assed response and an smile to match.

[i'm sorry. it was so bad, but you wanted me to post...]

[Zeke Nayakan]

Zeke could tell that the conversation was going nowhere. They had passed the point of formalities, and they had asked the most important questions that had been eating away at each of them for the past year. And, just when things had seemed to be going all right, something happened that neither of them seemed to have any control over and somehow things weren't so all right any more.

It seemed to dawn on both of them at the exact same moment: this couldn't happen. There were so many factors, so many variables. Damn. Just the same, there was that glimmer of hope in the back of his mind.

"Listen," Zeke said, unable to avoid it any longer. "I don't know how to say this. Listen, I'm not sure what to say, really. I mean, I've missed you. Really missed you. And it's been so long. With your parents and all... who knows how this whole meeting again thing is going to turn out? I know you're thinking about getting back together." It was the thing they both were thinking about, but neither wanted to come right out and say. "And, while I have nothing against the idea, I'm just a little hesitant. You know? Because of everything that's involved. Your parents, mainly. What if it's a repeat of last time, and they end up shipping you off to some military school or training academy?"

Some things just had to be said.

[Christian Hart]

Christian listened to Zeke's hopeful rant, eyes just beginning to tear. Hearing all of the things he was saying in his own mind outloud was scary, yet relieving at the same time. The spark of hope he had deep down was growing, but he had to be rational, no matter how much it hurt - both he and Zeke.

"I know, I know... it's practically impossible. I-I'd just been thinking naively... that we'd be able to get back together someday. I know it... it can't happen now, not while I'm still in school. I couldn't do that to you. Sneaking around, afraid of every move... it'd be entirely selfish to put you through that." Christian said, words spilling from his mouth in a hurry. He paused a moment to regain his breath and composure.

"Even though I want it, more than anything actually, and even if you think you might want it, the whole thing is just... improbable. And I don't want to hold you back. I want you to be happy, happier than anyone. You should be free to be with whoever... so don't wait for me." he finished, starting to have difficulty breathing properly. With a glance at the clock, Christian stood abruptly and began to put on his coat.

"I've got to go. My parents... are expecting me. It was nice to see you again." he rushed, smoothing a hand through his hair in order to distract himself from looking at Zeke. Hopefully he would take the comment about his parents seriously; right now that was what was most concerning.

Dumping the pizza in the trash can, he neatly pushed in his chair, gave an empty-hearted smile in Zeke's general direction and walked outside, only breaking into a run - and tears - when he was far enough from the shop.

[christian was kind of dumping himself there, so it wasn't really zeke's fault. ^^;; I don't want him to be emo.]

[Zeke Nayakan]

Ezekiel didn't know what to say. He wanted to interrupt Christian, he wanted to tell him that this wasn't how it had to happen. They could sneak around. They could have tried to meet up again, or at least planned to even if it couldn't happen. There were ways around everything, if you wanted something hard enough. He didn't want the conversation to take a turn for the worst like it seemed to be.

He saw Christian getting up, and had to say something before he left. "Christian, wait. I... you've never held me back, and don't ever think you will. If anything, you've forced me to grow more."

That said, he allowed Christian to excuse himself. If his parents really were expecting him, then he didn't want to get him into any more trouble than he may already be in. After all, like Zeke had said earlier, he didn't want Christian to get into trouble over trying to see him. He felt guilty enough after this conversation. He managed a meger "bye" before Christian left.

What the hell had just happened? He couldn't believe that their reunion after nearly an entire year had ended like that. He needed to see him again, talk to him again... he did miss him, even if nothing would ever come of it... Christian was the one who got away, and he had to know.